Sunshine's Heart

E2E Challenge Week 4 Update

2012-01-28T08:52:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, the new is not good. I have been cheating on my plan left and right. My food is completely out of control and with the exception of a few days, has been ever since I learned that Kailee was moving out. When I'm at my most depressed, I reach for the comfort foods that provide a moment's relief from the anxiety. I feel better today and a little stronger in my resolve to pull myself together. I can't let things continue the way they have been. It is time to make a new start. I have the right food in the house now. The cherry pie is gone. Yes. I went there. Today will be protein only as I attempt to detox from carbs once again. I have a lovely chuck roast to put in the crockpot. I will add some whole potatoes for the boys and some mushrooms and onions for me. Here is the damage:

Weight:171
Waist: 35
Hips: 45
Bust: 38

This is an increase in weight by 3 pounds. Some of this may be water. I did have a salty dinner last night with the marinade for my steak. My hands are slightly swollen and my ankles are puffy too. Not an excuse but maybe a factor in my gain. The rest is completely my responsibility. I screwed up this week badly and indulged in more carbs than any person in my position should. I gained an inch around the waist and another around the hips. No wonder my pants feel a bit tighter. I'm still wearing my 12s but they don't look as good as they did a couple of months ago. It is time to decide how badly I want to be back to my lowest weight. I at least need to be back to 164, which is a normal weight for my height. There is just no excuse for not sticking to my plan. The plan works. It worked before. It will work again. I JUST HAVE TO STICK TO IT.

I haven't been great with my reading. I am reading but not health related books. More just entertainment to escape my feelings of anxiety of depression. I always loved to read and it gives me something to focus on besides the challenges in my life.

I haven't gotten any formal exercise in this week. I just feel like staring at the wall and doing nothing. I'm going to make myself get up today and do some household chores. Nick is here to help me. I can afford to be self-indulgent anymore. It is time to get things back in hand. It starts right now.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

I haven't been a great buddy. Bethany is struggling with food choices and I have been a poor example. I think both of us could use some strongly worded encouragement. I have been supporting other challengers. I have a few more to visit today but I get to most of you each week

That is it for this update. Not a stellar report but it it the truth of how things are going with me.

Sunshine

Waiting and Hoping

2012-01-27T17:11:00.000-05:00

I am home along right now. I'm lonesome and wish Dail was home. Nick has gone out with Bethany and Brandon to the video store. He wants to rent some movies. They are going to make a few other stops so I'm not sure when he will be home. Dail gets off in an hour but he will have to stop at the market on his way home to pick up dinner. We are having pan-fried steak with mushrooms and whole new potatoes. I will go easy on the taters. Dail makes the best pan-fried steak you have ever had. After dinner, we will get back to out Twin Peaks marathon.

I am excited for Bethany and Brandon. Something good may be getting ready to happen for them. They have submitted paperwork to buy their very first home. Won't know anything until tomorrow but I'm hoping and praying it works out for them. They are very excited and are making plans and dreaming about what improvements they will make. I remember when Dail and I bought this place. We couldn't afford new furniture right away but we managed with what we had until we could afford new things. Now I wouldn't trade this place for anything. It is getting older but it is still home. I am going to see about redecorating this spring. Maybe some new wallpaper or paint.

I have to say that I am relieved that Friday is here. I am ready for the weekend. Hopefully all of us will have a good one. I will post my challenge update tomorrow.

Sunshine

Frickin Freezing Here Today

2012-01-27T09:51:00.000-05:00

I am barely awake in spite of a Ritalin and two bottles of caffeinated water. I woke up shivering. Our heat is on but it is so cold outside that it is cold in here despite the heat. I had Nick set the thermostat up to 70. Maybe in a few minutes I will warm up. I'm snuggled under my covers with my laptop on my lap. Eventually the heat from the laptop may warm me. Sometimes my laptop gets pretty hot.

Dail and I stayed up pretty late watching Twin Peaks. We got to the season one cliffhanger where Agent Cooper was shot and couldn't stop watching so we watched one more episode before calling it a night. Ronette is waking from her coma with memories of seeing BOB kill Laura. The last scenes were of BOB beating Laura over the head. I am anxious to see the next episode and if Ronette remembers who BOB actually is. The Giant visited Agent Cooper and gave him some clues. He said there is only one person who saw the third man at the cabin that night. Even though Ronette was there, I'm thinking she saw BOB as BOB as not as the real person he inhabits. I think MIKE is the only one left alive who knows who BOB is. I can't wait to find out. I am REALLY hooked on this story now.

I'm feeling a little buzzed from the caffeine now and wish I had stopped at one bottle. The caffeine makes me anxious sometimes and it looks like today is one of those days. If I ever settle down I will rewatch some of the episodes so I can pick up on things I might have missed the first time around. I am also re-reading Laura Palmer's diary and now it is making more sense to me since I know more about the people she is writing about. The whole story is very tragic and there is an otherworldly quality about the whole thing but the town of Twin Peaks seems to be a seedy little place underneath and everybody seems to be cheating on their mates. It reminds me of a soap opera. Except it has a psychic twist. It is a very unique show and I don't recall ever seeing anything else like it on TV. If you haven't seen it but like the weird and bizarre and mysterious, you might want to check into getting the series. Maybe rent the prequel first and see how you like it before investing in the whole series. All the episodes are available at Amazon.

I am finally beginning to warm up. It must be the bacon. Plus I kicked the heat up a little more. I hate these cold and dreary days. I'm ready for spring; I haven't seen the forecast for this weekend but I hope it clears off. I would love to go hiking on Sunday but we will have to see about the weather. Dail and I both and gotten out of the exercise habit. It is time to start back again. I'm going to try to get on the treadmill today. Tomorrow will be my weigh in day. I expect there will be no change. I don't think I have lost but I haven't gained either. I'm at a stand still because I can't consistently keep my act together. My eating has been ruled by my emotions lately. I need to get that in hand;

I'm going to stop now as Beth is on the phone. More later.

Sunshine

Harrowing Morning

2012-01-26T11:20:00.000-05:00

I don't like confrontation but that is exactly how I started the morning. Kailee came by to pick up Mike's W2s and she had to start in about recent events. I pretty much told her how I felt about her running to mom tio stir up trouble and so she stormed off in a huff. I hope she will stop carrying tales between the family members and that she will do as she said and reimburse us for the weeks we supported her and Mike. Her figures of what she owes us aren't exactly in line with our count. I guess we will never see the full amount so Dail will probably not get a vacation for a while. Mike has talked her into doing some things that I disapprove of. I won't explain further than that but let's just say that my opinion has changed. Kailee could get in serious trouble for things she has done for him and I don't appreciate him putting her at risk. I can only hope that she will eventually grow tired of Mike as she did all the others. I wish she would set her sights a little higher. I don't really want to talk about this anymore so, I'll stop now.

Last night was a fun night with Dail. I loved the Twin Peaks episodes we have watched so far. I like agent Cooper a lot. I love that he is a fan of cherry pie. That happens to be my favorite too and I have to keep a tight rein on myself to keep from diving into a cherry pie whenever he mentions it. Of course, I don't have any in the house so that helps me to avoid it. I can see why it was such a popular show. It is very interesting and strange and touching all at the same time.

I am not doing anything special right now. Just waiting for my pork steak to get done. That will be my lunch. I'm starving.

Sunshine

Twin Peaks and Headaches

2012-01-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

Dail and I are getting ready to go to bed now. We have been watching Twin Peaks. We saw the pilot and then the first 3 episodes before we decided to call it a night. I was on the edge of my seat trying to catch all the shades of meaning through the story. It is fascinating. I can't believe I missed it when it was actually running. We had a great time. Dinner was good and I mostly stuck to the plan. I will weigh in tomorrow and see how things are looking.

The only downside tonight is that I have a killer sinus headache. The whole front of my face feels like it is about to explode. I don't have any sinus meds. I'm afraid what I really need is an antibiotic. I have a whole line of swollen lymph glands running up the side of my neck. I'm sure I have an infection. I will call tomorrow to see about getting in to see my doctor.

Enough for tonight.

Sunshine

Finally Calming Down

2012-01-25T17:59:00.000-05:00

Dail and I were up late watching television last night so I was tired this morning and went back to bed about midmorning. I decided I needed to have a little caffeine to get me going but I overdid it a bit and have been wired for the last several hours. It is an unpleasant feeling to be vibrating under my skin like that. I need to get back to my regular routine of going to bed by midnight and getting up by 8. It works out best for me when I stick to that schedule.

I'm excited about tonight. Our Twin Peaks set arrived and I have already popped the pilot episode into the DVD player. Dail is going to run by the pharmacy and then head home and we will watch the pilot and maybe a few episodes together tonight. I can't wait to see what I have missed. Dail and I rented the prequel but I also have it on order so we will have the complete set. There are extra features with this Gold Box Edition so I can't wait to get to see the interviews and deleted scenes etc when we get to that place. We will be watching them in order. There are 4 episodes on a disc but as I didn't see the original series I don't know how long each episode would be. I'm guessing half an hour or so. Anyway, this will give us something to do in the evenings while the weather is cool.

Dinner for me tonight will be a bunless double burger. The boys will have regular burgers and fries. Hopefully, I won't be tempted by the fries. I have been on track all day and don't want to mess up now.

It has been a very quiet day. Maybe a little too quiet. I get anxious from too much solitude. Tomorrow is Thursday though and it is the evening we usually go out to dinner and get groceries. I don't know for sure that we will go. We may be too into Twin Peaks to go out but if we do, I'm craving some grilled scallops. We might go to dinner and then leave the grocery shopping for another night.

It is starting to get dark out and so I'm going to stop now and watch for Dail. I hope he gets home fairly quickly. We are both excited about watching Twin Peaks. More later.

Sunshine

Hoping For A Better Day

2012-01-25T10:01:00.000-05:00

I was pretty down and strained yesterday. Too much of the past was running through my mind. I need to work all this out in therapy. I will be seeing Kristin again next Friday. Maybe then I can deal with the anger and frustration of the current and past circumstances. In the meanwhile, I'm trying to keep it from swallowing me whole and to focus on the task at hand. I was completely on track with my food yesterday. I ate much less and stuck to protein. The only treat I allowed myself was a few bites of microwave popcorn. The rest of the day was almost no carbs. I got in all my water and feel the carb haze lifting. I have a slight headache today from carb withdrawal but it is not unexpected. There is no junk food in the house so I will be on track today. So far I have had a few strips of bacon. The eggs will be coming next. My stomach will not allow me to each both together as it is too much food for one sitting. I have a the bacon for breakfast and then a couple of eggs for a mid morning snack. Lunch will probably be some Greek Yogurt. It has a few carbs but I have discovered that I need a few for balance. I am still technically low carbing but I am not doing induction anymore. We each have to find what works for us and this is what I followed to get to my lowest weight. There is just no getting around the fact that I am insulin resistant and that carbs will put weight on me if I'm not careful with them. The best way I can lower my weight is to lower my carbs.

I finished my book about Andy Kaufman last night. It was a tragic end to a comedic genius. He had his flaws and a very unusual perspective on life but what he did shook people up in one way or another and that was his goal all along. The book I read was written by Bob Zmuda, his best friend and there is a lot insight into the real Andy. The book is available at Amazon if anyone is interested.

I have my curtains open today. It is sunny but cold. I am watching for UPS to deliver my Twin Peaks series. It was supposed to come yesterday and I was pretty upset about it being late. It was just one of those things. I had paid extra shipping to get it here yesterday and things just didn't work out. I wrote to Amazon and they refunded the shipping fee so I feel better about it. Mostly, I was just emotional about everything else and was disappointed that Dail and I wouldn't get to start watching the series last night. Both of us had looked forward to it since I ordered it and so last night we were a little sad that our plans were changed. Hopefully UPS will be here in an hour or so and Dail and I can have a pleasant evening getting into a series that interests both of us.

Bethany will be here soon so I better stop now. I just thought I would check in even though I don't really feel like blogging. I will be around later to catch up with everyone and comment.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 4 Post

2012-01-24T14:20:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't get off to a stellar start. Everything has pretty much stayed the same since Saturday. Measurements and weight are the same. I haven't done much reading in the health or diet-related areas but I have been reading some fiction and non-fiction. Right now, I'm reading a biography of Andy Kaufman. I have always been a big fan of his bizarre sense of humor. I guess I identify with his proclivity for making people uncomfortable. Of course, his was intentional and mine wasn't. Mental illness makes people uncomfortable and that isn't restricted only to strangers. People who know you well, even family members, can be uncomfortable and prefer to live in denial of the disease rather than to understand and support the person. Two people in my life feel that my illness is just an excuse I use to get out of doing things like housework and socializing. They prefer to believe that I am faking than to have to admit that someone in their family has an embarrassing mental illness. My mother, and my daughter, Kailee feel that I just don't want to be normal. They have no idea of the pain they cause me when they get together to trash-talk me because of my limitations. All my life, the word "lazy" has been thrown in my face by my mother. She doesn't see the connection between her abuse and my illness and my giving up on trying to win her approval. All these things have melded together to put me into the state I'm in now with the anger and anxiety and depression. I was taught that it was wrong to be angry so I never found an outlet to put it out of myself. It eats me up. I just want to scream or beat the hell out of someone but then I would just feel worse. Kristin and I will be talking more about this in therapy and maybe we can find a way that I can safely vent. For right now, I don't want to see mom or Kailee. I may never want to see my mother again. She has been nothing but poison in my life and now she is spreading that onto my daughter.

I know this isn't a happy little update but it is what I need to blog about. I hope I can maybe write these feelings out and be better by Saturday.

Food is on track for today and I'm working on getting my water in.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

Sunshine

Spaghetti and Meatballs and Bad Words

2012-01-23T23:12:00.000-05:00

Today has been an interesting day. Bethany and Brandon and the kids came over for dinner. Before that I had a visit with my therapist, Kristin. Bethany drove me out to my appointment. I almost forgot all about it. I really didn't feel up to going. I didn't want to leave the house and my comfort zone but Bethany knew about the appointment and she urged me to get ready and go. It wasn't easy. I had to wait for a while for Kristin to be ready for me and I was very anxious. The waiting room was full and I felt very claustrophobic. Anyway, Kristin and I talked about a lot of things that have been going on here. There was some laughter and a few tears as well. I hadn't seen her since November. I learned a few things about what has been eating me and why I have been in turn eating my rage ~~food~~ without thought to the consequences. I seem to be in a highly advanced state of ~~fucking pissed off~~ ANGER over something and it is killing me. I believe I know what it is. Nothing hurts me or makes me angrier than having old wounds ripped wide open. I am not going to go into detail here. All I can say is that I am hurt and that the people who hurt me will never understand what it feels like to live with Schizoaffective Disorder.

Maybe I will be able to talk more about this tomorrow. I am still working all of it out in my head. In the mean time, we are watching Live Free or Die Hard so I can see bad people get the hell beat out of them. I'm tired of turning the other cheek. I'm tired of having my face slapped. I'd like to see a little Karma working around here.

Sunshine

The Cure For Depession

2012-01-23T09:33:00.000-05:00

I know what is is. Well, maybe it isn't a complete cure but it sure makes me feel better. BACON. The best thing about low carbing is BACON. I swear it causes a lift in my spirits and a smile to appear on my face. LOL. Who knew?

It is a wet, rainy, dreary day here today. I don't even want to open my curtains to look out. I prefer to sit in my dimly lit bedroom with the lamps on and just pretend that the sun will be out later. The lamps in here give off a warm pinkish glow and that is comforting to me. I miss my sunshine. I can't wait for spring to get here.

Sunshine

Rediscovering An Old Classic

2012-01-22T10:05:00.000-05:00

Last night after our Die Hard marathon, Dail and I watched the prequel movie to the Twin Peaks series. I am nit completely hooked. I only saw a few episodes when the series was running as I was a busy mom then and didn't have time for television. Now, I am dying to see all the episodes so I am going to order the whole series on DVD with my allowance next week. I have already downloaded the Secret Diary of Laura Palmer onto my Kindle. I'm a little less than half way though it. I stayed up late to read last night. It was so engrossing that I just couldn't put it down. It is such a surreal story and there is so much symbolism that it keeps me interested in trying to figure out what is actually going on. I can't wait to get the series next week. Dail is as interested as me. He saw more of the series when it was on back in the 90s so he is more up to speed on it. He think it will be a great way to get through the cold evenings when we can't go out. The prequel is very freaky and I am anxious to see more of the investigation. I love murder mysteries, though technically it isn't a mystery anymore and I know who the killer is. I do want to know more about BOB though. Spooky dude.

I forgot to blog about it yesterday but my Kindle cover arrived. Now I don't have to worry about anything happening to the screen if I carry it in my purse. It is a leather cover in wine and it has a light. It was fairly expensive and took all my allowance but it is very nice and worth more that the alternatives I saw. It is nice, neat, and compact. Just what I was looking for.

So far today I'm doing okay. I'm down 2 pounds since yesterday. Probably water weight but at least that is a start.. I'm back to square one. Hopefully, I can keep going down and logging my food and have a better week this week. I think I might have better news next Saturday. I hope so anyway.

Enough for now.

Sunshine

Loved The Movie

2012-01-21T18:24:00.000-05:00

Bethany and I ended up going to see "Joyful Noise" with Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah. It was really fun. It was kind of like Sister Act time 10. There was a cat fight scene between Dolly and Queen that was absolutely hilarious. I bet they had a fun time shooting that scene. The only thing I didn't enjoy was the fact that the place was crowded with older ladies and we were surrounded by people who talked through the whole movie. It was like a hen party. There were very few men there. There was a lot of music in the movie that I enjoyed very much. There was a little something for everyone. Bethany and I enjoyed it but kind of wished we could yell STFU to some people.

I'm home now and Dail and I are watching the 4th Die Hard movie. Dinner will be chicken thighs and green beans. Sounds good as I am starving. Bethany has gone to a housewarming for someone she knows and then she will probably come back by here later. She is on vacation this week and it will be good to have her around more often.

It has been a good day other than the popcorn I had at the movie. I had some leftover roast and a protein bar today. The roast from last night was even better today. Thankfully, there weren't many carrots and potatoes left to tempt me. Dail finished most of those off last night. I stuck to protein except for the stupid popcorn. It was good though. I know I could have popped my own and taken it but I feel bad about taking my own food to places that sell food and drinks. I mean, they need to make money to stay in business. It just doesn't feel right. Anyway, I rarely get to go to a movie at a theater so it isn't like I get buttered popcorn that often. It felt like a treat and it will probably will be a couple of months before I get a treat like that again.

Well, the movie is getting interesting so I better stop now. Maybe more later.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Week 3 Update

2012-01-21T09:54:00.001-05:00

It has been a rough week. This will not be the update that I hoped to give this week. I have been stuffing myself with food to deal with my emotions and the stresses that have been in my life. I have found that even though I know the Atkin's Plan does work when I can stick to it, I just can't stick to the restrictiveness of it at this time. When in doubt, go back to the beginning. So, I am going back to the weight loss surgery diet that got me to my lowest weight a few months ago. It is low carb, fairly low fat, low calorie and high protein. It is the plan that got me to a loss of over 180 pounds. It worked for me before, it will work for me again if I can stick with it. The major change I will make will be in logging every bite of food that goes into my mouth. I have Fitday PC on my computer and I intend to make use of it again. I don't know if I will have the energy to post all my food here but I will try to at least post the totals for each day: calories, fat, carbs, and protein. Ideally, I would start this today, but Bethany and I are going to a movie today and I have no faith in my ability to avoid some popcorn. I will try to portion control and get just a small container for us to share and I will stick to plan for the rest of the day. Tomorrow, I will begin in earnest. I will keep myself at home and away from outside temptations until I can get a handle on things. My willpower is lacking and my give a damn is still busted but I am working on that. Here are my stats for this week:

Weight: 168
Waist: 34
Hips: 44

I have gained 1 pound since last week and am up a total of 6 pounds since the week before. Not a stellar showing is it? My waist is 1/2 inch down and my hips are an inch down. In spite of the gain, I seem to be losing inches. I guess my leftover fat is readjusting. I don't doubt that the gain will be showing around my middle soon if I don't do something SOON. I am very frustrated with myself. I wish I had another way of dealing with my emotions. Food has always been my drug of choice. It is an addiction that always flares during the most stressful times in my life. I can't keep allowing myself to be twisted about like a reed in the wind though. I need to gain some kind of control. It is time to set my mind to the task at hand and to ask for help from the people who know what to do. I'm going to contact my surgeon's support group. Also, it is almost time for me to see my surgeon for my yearly checkup. Hopefully though I will get thing in control before seeing him. That appointment isn't until February. I really need help before then. I will be grateful for any support the other challengers can offer. My buddy is doing great with encouraging me but she works a lot and there are a lot of hours a day where I am in the house with nothing to do but eat. I will be glad when the weather is better and my husband and I can get back to hiking. Right now the weather is abysmal.

Exercise has been almost nonexistent this week. Bethany and I managed to get in two days of working out for a bit but then we slacked off. I really need a kick in the pants to get moving. I'm really ashamed of being so sedentary.

I visited my buddy's blog every time she posted and I spoke to her on the phone every day. I saw her almost every day. She is a big help and she is doing well. I have tried to encourage her even though I am struggling.

I tried to get to everyone's blogs this week. I think I got everyone. There were a few times when blogger wouldn't let me comment but I think I got to everyone at least once.

I didn't get much reading done since I finished A Walk In The Sunshine. I am reading through it again and I also got a new book for my Kindle called Wheat Belly. I haven't started it yet but hope to get to it tonight. I have just been too anxious to read, really. I will do better next week.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

Sunshine

More Movies

2012-01-20T17:04:00.000-05:00

Dail is going to stop at Kroger on the way home and get a few things so we are not going out tonight. It will be another quiet evening at home watching Die Hard movies. We might stay up a little later tonight because tomorrow is Saturday and Dail can go in to work whenever he wants. I think dinner tonight will be chuck roast with mushrooms and a few potatoes and carrots. I won't have time to use the crock pot but the last one I did in the oven turned out great. Very tender and flavorful. I'm hoping we can get the same result this time. It was really delicious. I am a big meat and potatoes fan anyway and so I will love the roast and the mushroom but take it easy on the rest. Tomorrow begins my new resolve to log my food again. I will spend some time tonight putting my usual foods into my Fitday PC program. Most of them are there but I have added a few Atkins and low carb products that aren't in there.

Bethany and I may go to a movie tomorrow evening for a girls day out. We are wanting to see Beauty and the Beast 3D. It should be fun. I loved that movie when it first came out and was always a Robby Benson fan in my youth. Everyone else was crazy about Shaun Cassidy but I was always hung up on Robby Benson. In fact, my little brother, who was born when I was 15, was named Robert and called Robby at my suggestion. Of course, Robby Benson's real first name was Robin so it doesn't really count.

I am feeling a bit anxious and lonely this evening. Dail will have to close the office tonight and then go by the store before he can come home but hopefully, it won't take too long and he will be here. I really start missing him and getting anxious when it gets dark. It is darkening here now. Of course, it has been a little dark and dreary all day. I hate days like this. I need some sunshine soon.

I guess that is about all for now. I need to stop and find something to occupy my mind.

Sunshine

Movie Night

2012-01-20T10:36:00.000-05:00

Last night Dail and I had movie night. He rented all the Die Hard movies plus one Twins Peaks episode. We got through the first Die Hard movie before we got tired and went on to bed. It was a fun night. We had Chinese for dinner but I skipped the rice. I had mostly the meat from Mongolian Beef and about 3 chicken wing pieces. It was good and though I should have aimed for lower calories, I didn't. Hopefully, tomorrow can be a brand new day and I can start with my logging. It will take me some time to get my customs foods logged into my fitday. This is one of the chores that makes logging so frustrating. I hate adding new foods. It is a pain in the ass. Enough about that though.

I am doing okay today. Just took my morning meds and am waiting for them to kick in. I'm working on my water. I need more water and mix but it will have to wait until Dail gets off.

I can't really think of anything else to say right now. I will blog more later. Don't know what is wrong with me today. Just tired I guess..

Sunshine

Fact vs Fiction: Losing The Weight

2012-01-19T13:40:00.000-05:00

It took me two years to lose in excess of 180 pounds. I swore I would not be one of the statistics. I swore I would not be one of the gastric bypassers who had the 10 -15 pound regain after a couple of years, yet here I sit, at 15 pounds above my lowest weight, approaching the 3rd anniversary of my surgery. How did I get here? I got myself here because I got TIRED. I got BORED. I got LAZY. I got BURNOUT. I stopped logging my food. The only person who can get me back where I was is me. I am going to be working on my mental attitude for a few days and hopefully by Saturday, I will be ready with my Fitday program to pick up where I left off. It is time to log. It is time to count. It is time to measure. Every bite that goes into my mouth. THAT is the road to success. I am not going to forget my food plan. I still believe in low carbing BUT I know that I cannot be as restrictive as I have been. It sets me up for binges. I am going back to my gastric plan to allow 60 carbs per day. That is about where Atkins OWL program kicks in. This should be enough carbs to satisfy my cravings and still be able to lose weight. I will also be lowering my fat a little. Atkins is a high fat diet but I have been taking it to extremes. I need to temper that a little. I will also keep an eye on my total calories. I'm not going to set a limit until I see what works for me. I will keep it low enough to keep losing but high enough to keep me functioning. When in doubt, always go back to the basics.

Let's be honest here. Logging food is hard. It is a pain in the ass and no one wants to log their food forever, however, it may be what it takes for some of us to be successful in the long run. I guess the bottom line is whether or not we are willing to do whatever it takes. I think I may have to log my food forever, and if so, then I need to get on it and get used to the idea. It may not seem normal to continue with something so inconvenient forever, but what is the alternative? I would rather work a little harder and be inconvenienced than to be morbidly obese again.

Just thought I would share my thoughts this afternoon. I hope all of you are doing well.

Sunshine

Good Morning. It's A Brand New Day...

2012-01-19T09:55:00.000-05:00

Having a little bit of trouble waking up. I'm still tired from watching movies last night. The movie was "Die Hard 2". I had never seen either one of the Die Hard movies but was hooked from the beginning.The only problem is that I'm getting old and can't stay up late like I used to so I fell asleep so I didn't get to see it all. In consolation though, I am having Dail rent both movies tonight so that we can watch them. We have a local video store that rents 7 movies for $7 for 7 days. It is only for movies that aren't new releases but it very reasonable. It will also give me something to do while Dail is at work tomorrow. I love entertainment..

I will be taking my meds shortly and should be feeling more awake soon. I'm also watching "Down Periscope." It is a comedy with Kelsey Grammar. I like him a lot but I don't like his new "Boss" series. He is a scary bad guy and it is hard to be sympathetic with his character. I think he should go back to comedy.

I have been on plan so far today. Hoping for a better day today. I need to get some water in though. I'm hoping I don't run out of mix before Dail gets to the store this evening. I think Dail said he is too tired for us to go out shopping tonight so he is just going to run by Kroger on his way home. I think dinner will be either chicken thighs or hamburgers.

Off to tackle another day in the trenches.

Sunshine

I Was BAAAAAD Today

2012-01-18T20:24:00.000-05:00

I hate junk all day. It started bad and ended bad. Bethany came by but neither of us could find the will to work out. I have got to get back on my plan tomorrow. There are no excuses. My will is just weak and my "give a damn" is busted, as the song says. I am just too depressed or messed up to care much about my health or plan. Maybe it is a temporary state because I was out of some of my meds for several days. I just got them back yesterday and it hasn't been enough time for them to kick in yet. Maybe in a few days I can get myself together and get back in the game. Right now I feel pretty down on myself. I'm trying to distract myself from further eating tonight. Dail and I are watching "The Sum of All Fears." It is a great movie with Morgan Freeman and Ben Affleck. I know I am rambling from subject to subject here but I just wanted to blog and clear my mind of all these crazy thoughts. I wonder if the lack of Lithium affected me so much? I don't have much experience with it or with being out of it. I need to be more careful about my refills. It is easier now that we have insurance again. Most of my scripts are $10 co-pays. Most of Dail's are too. The only catch is that for script that lasts longer than a month, like Dail's testosterone, we have to pay 3 months worth or $30 for the vial. Thankfully, we are both on mostly generic scripts. We would be pretty much screwed if we were on name brands. The insurance only pays 50% of name brands and medicines are very expensive these days. It also looks as if I can get reimbursed for all or part of my meds check up visits. That is an unexpected plus, if it works out. My psych is semi-retired so she doesn't take insurance anymore because she doesn't have a staff to do her paperwork but she is still on the provider lists as being covered so I can file a claim and probably get reimbursed. My therapist, Kristin, will probably be covered except for a 30% co-pay. At least, I'm hoping that is works out like that. I won't know until the insurance information booklet arrives. I do wish they would hurry. It is hard to get the care we have waited a year for when we don't know what is covered.

As usual, I will have to practice my patience.

Sunshine

Supporting A Free Internet

2012-01-18T14:33:00.000-05:00

I can understand the reasoning behind protesting a bad idea but if their point is censorship, why should I participate in censoring myself? NOBODY will shut me up today for any reason. I would rather protest by SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE than silently and in darkness. To each, his own.

Sunshine

New Day Dawning

2012-01-18T08:50:00.000-05:00

I was up pretty early today after staying up last night to watch "Capote": again. It amazes me the likeness and similarities between the real Truman Capote and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He did an excellent job portraying Capote and he deserved the Oscar and other awards he won for it. Truman Capote died before I was really old enough to know who he was and what he had written. I am slowly going through his works as I'm very interested in them. Most of his work is fictional but there are shades of autobiographical incidents in some of his work, I'm told. I would love to read a biography of him and I think that is the next thing I will download for my Kindle. Of course, I really need to get into my health related books. I vow today to read some of "Living Low Carb" before the day is over. I sort of put it aside for Atkins but it is a very interesting and use friendly book. I look forward to getting back into it. I will review some of it on Saturday.

It seems like everyone is having a rough week this week. I hate to see that as we have all just barely started on the challenge but perseverance is hard to achieve and that where most of us are lacking this week. I think we need to be supporting each other and offering encouragement. I will try to get to the blog I haven't gotten to yet today and see if there is anything I can offer in the way of support. I know some of you just aren't feeling well and I can surely relate to that. It is hard not to turn to food when you are upset, lonely, ill, or bored. At least, this is the case with me. I hope that during times like this we can count on each other to shore up the weak and share the what strength there is.

I really need to go get some breakfast now. Plus I need to start on my water. I am wishing all of us a good day and I hope to see you posting again soon.

Sunshine

Finally Saw Dr. G

2012-01-17T15:08:00.000-05:00

I made it in to my appointment today in spite of the fact that I didn't really feel like leaving the house. She gave me scripts with refills on all my meds and told me that I don't have to come back for a month. It was a good session. Dail and I drove by Dr. B's to get his scripts and then we dropped everything off at the pharmacy. By the time it was all done, I was ready to come home.

Bethany will be by later to work out but right now I feel like taking a nap. I don't know why I am so tired today. I just can't seem to get up and go.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 3 Post

2012-01-17T08:56:00.000-05:00

I am up early this morning in spite of staying up until 1 am watching Armageddon. I didn't get to watch it all as I fell asleep but I love the movie. It is one of my favorite. It has a great cast and I like all of them. Anyway, I just can't keep the late nights like I used to. Dail fell asleep just as the movie was coming on. He is having computer problems at work so he had to get there early this morning. It looks like he is in line for a new computer. His is about to crash as it is several years old and has a lot wrong with it. The company that is supposed to be helping them with spyware and virus issues seems to be slacking on the job. They create problems and Dail has to fix them. They have actually made his job even harder because he has to go behind them and fix the issues they create. I wish they would just get rid of them and hire Dail and assistant who could be willing to do things the right way, the way Dail does things. Dail has been in that job for 10 years and he knows the best way to manage the servers etc. He just needs a team player to help carry the burden. They hoped this company would be of some help but instead they have only contributed to the problem. Dail is exhausted all the time. I hope that soon they will get him some legitimate help. As it is, it will be very hard for him to go on vacation. We are planning a hiking trip but Dail is worried about what will happen if we are in a place where we can't be reached. It could be potentially problematic. Dail's boss will tell him to go anyway, but he rarely gets a vacation where he doesn't get called in. We have adjusted our sight for our first trip to a shorter and more manageable hike. We will hike a trail called Grapeyard Ridge trail. There are 2 campsites up there and we will stay a couple of night at one campsite then hike to the next one and spend a couple of days. Nick doesn't want to go with us as he doesn't want to be away from his computer friends that long but I am going to try to talk him into it. It would be good for him to go. More about that as my training goes along.

Julie stopped by yesterday with some advice for packing my backpack. I'm going to listen to her as she knows her stuff. I'm going to remove some of the weight and start with a smaller amount until I get used to it. I need to build up and not try to do so much at once.I will remove the handweights from my pack and will just carry the actual equipment that I already have. Later on I can add the food and the changes of clothing. Within the next couple of weeks I am going to order a food dehydrator so that we can dry our own food for the trips. The pre-packaged stuff is pricey. Besides that, I can dehydrate the foods I'm allowed to have and leave the starches alone. I may have to add some carbs for the trip as it is hard to low carb when you are burning excessive calories with exercise. Kelly, over at Happy Texans, is running and low carbing at the same time. I will be interested to see how that goes for her. She is a real inspiration.

My weight is down a little from Saturday. I'm at 165 today. That is a two pound loss since Saturday and I am relieved to see a loss. I hope that by next Saturday's update, I can show more of a loss. Measurements are the same. I am re-reading "A Walk For Sunshine". It is very inspirational and motivational for me. It gets me up off my butt and into my pack to train. I realize I'm starting at a very slow pace but I will eventually get there. Bethany is coming by after work ti work out again. I will try walking longer with less weight this time.

I have been visiting blogs all week and have left some encouragement, I hope. I try to be honest and positive at the same time. I have spoken to my buddy, Bethany every day and we cheer each other on.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
":Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. " John Lennon

I have been spending some time in prayer and meditation each day. I hope it helps all of us. It is hard to get my mind quiet enough for meditation but I am working on it. It will help when I get my meds today. I have an appointment with Dr. G this afternoon. More later...

Sunshine

Dinner and a Movie

2012-01-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

Dinner is on the stove. We are having pan-fried steak with potatoes and mushrooms. Needless to say, I will take it easy on the potatoes. I got Dail and myself a new movie for Christmas. It is the movie "Legend" with Tom Cruise. The set includes both the theatrical version with the Tangerine Dream score and the Director's cut with Jerry Goldsmith's score. We are watching the Director's Cut right now but I don't like music as well as the Tangerine Dream score. No offense to Jerry Goldsmith. The Tangerine Dream score is hummable and singable. I love the last song : "Loved By The Sun." I wish I could get a soundtrack of that score but it is out of print and only collectors offer it for sale at very high prices. Maybe some day it will be re-released.

Bethany came over this evening and we got in a little exercise. Bethany was able to do more than me and she had already worked all day. I got in 10 minutes on the treadmill at the highest elevation and with a 35 pound pack on my back. The pack is still a little awkward. It isn't conforming right to my back so I was in a bit of a strain with my lower back and shoulders. I need to take the internal frame bars out and reshape them to fit me. I just don't know enough about how to do it to do it on my own. I am thinking I need to find an outdoor outfitters store and have them adjust it for me. I also need to rearrange the contents of the pack. Julie gave me some good advice and I will try to repack it more like she told me to.

Bethany is coming back tomorrow to work out again. We are more likely to work out when we are together so she will be coming often. I want to keep working with the pack but it is hard to get it on without some help. I don't have much upper body strength yet so I can't lift the pack up onto my shoulders without help. It may be a little too heavy for just starting out. I am just trying to be realistic about how much weight I will need to be used to carrying when we go on overnight trips.

I really felt the burn of the workout even though it was only 10 minutes. I felt it in my legs, shoulders and back. I was out of breath and sweaty too. I guess that means it was a pretty good workout. I just need to keep pushing myself until I get into some kind of shape.

Sorry. I took a break for dinner. Had a LOVELY ribeye with mushrooms and a couple of small new potatoes. VERY OUTSTANDINGLY good.

Now I am full and need to digest. This was the best steak I have had in a while. Dail is GREAT with steaks. Of course, he is great with many things. :)

More later.

Sunshine

On Track and Working On Moving More

2012-01-16T09:01:00.000-05:00

In spite of the serious carb cravings I had last night, I was able to avoid them by having a little low carb yogurt and some bacon and eggs. The protein filled up my psychological need to eat and I didn't break the Atkin's plan. I am down 2 pounds from Saturday but tomorrow will be my official midweek weigh in. I hope to be down another pound by then. It is coming off slower this time but at least the scale is moving in the right direction.

I didn't make it onto the treadmill yesterday but Nicholas got my exercise room all set up. Bethany will be coming by after work. She is my challenge buddy and we will be working out together. I am more likely to be able to get some moving in when she is here. She inspires me with all she does.

I'm still encouraged by the book I've been reading about hiking the AT. I have finished the book but now I'm re-reading it to get ideas and tips for what I hope will be Dail's and my back country adventure. We have plenty of time to train before Dail will take his vacation. Because the hike will start at the highest peak of the Smoky Mountains we have to wait until the weather is better to start. We don't want to get caught in a snow storm. I am very excited to prepare for this trip and the planning will be fun too. Dail isn't quite as excited as I am. He wonders if we will be able to manage the pace we will need to set for ourselves. I think if we train appropriately we should be fine. Of course, it will be harder for him to train as he works so many hours but I have nothing much to do but train. I just need to make myself get going.

Things are going well here at home. I still miss Kailee and Mike but I know they are better off on their own. It has taken a burden off us and we will be in better financial shape in a few weeks since there is only the 3 of us to support. I hope they make it okay. They should be able to if they manage their money well.

I guess that is all for now.

Sunshine

Carb Cravings To The MAX

2012-01-15T19:17:00.000-05:00

I am craving carbs so strongly that I am on the verge of giving in. I'm trying to substitute protein so that I can manage the cravings. Arrg. I hate having to go through induction again. Just another few days and I should be okay though. God, help me hang on.

Sunshine

Cold and Bored

2012-01-15T11:59:00.000-05:00

It is very cold here so I guess today's hike is off. Dail is still sleeping and is showing no signs of waking up any time soon. My guess is that he will want to sleep in today so I guess that means my walking will be on the treadmill. I am too cold to get out from under the covers though so it will have to wait until I get something warm inside me. Nicholas is changing the litter boxes and then he will make us some of his famous eggs. I love his soft scrambled eggs. While I am snuggling under the covers to stay warm, I am watching We Were Soldiers on TV. I love Mel Gibson in spite of his recent peccadillos. He is like so many other people who shouldn't drink. Enough about that though.

I am very bored today. There isn't much to do but lie here and wait for Dail to get up. I will eventually get to the treadmill but I'm having trouble with my motivation at the moment. My nose is all stuffy from the dry heat and I just feel blah. I have my new Kindle but I have read so much during the last few days that I am bored of reading. I love the movie that is on but I have to keep the sound down so as not to wake Dail. I could go in the den to watch it but it is cooler in there and I am already cold. For some reason, I am always cold without carbs. I have been right on track this morning, but I am getting hungry now.

I'm going to go check on my eggs but I might be blogging again soon. There just isn't much to keep me occupied today.

Sunshine

Just Waking Up This Morning

2012-01-15T08:50:00.000-05:00

Dail and I were up kind of late watching movies. I don't know if we will be going on the hike or not. It is tempting to be able to stay in the warm house and out of the bitter cold. Whether we go or not, I will still get some time in on the treadmill with my newly adjusted pack. Today I will set my sights a little higher. I would like to manage 3 10 minute interval today for a total of 30 minutes. I am walking at the slowest speed right now but at the highest elevation. It puts my body into a awkward position, as in leaning forward to climb but those are the muscles I need to develop. I have weighted down my pack with 35 pounds of gear and hand weights just to get used to carrying the load. Dails pack is slightly less heavy but he doesn't have everything in there yet, My pack is slightly larger than his. It is possible that my actual gear will not weigh as much as I have packed right now but it is a good idea to train with more than I need so that I will have the endurance I need when the time comes for a real trail.

Dail and I are playing with hiking the Appalachian Trail in sections. The first section we are thinking of attempting is here in our own national park. The section is about 80 miles and runs from Clingman's Dome, south into Wesser, NC at the Nantahala Gorge. Dail and Nick and I were at the Nantahala Gorge when we took our train trip last fall. It is lovely and there is a hostel there for hikers to stay. We think we could drive there and leave our car, and then have Bethany drop us off at Clingman's Dome for the beginning of the hike. We will have to do some training to get to the point where we can walk about 14 miles a day to be able to do the trip in a week but I think we can do it. I REALLY want to do it. If it turns out to be a successful trip then we will plan other section hikes of the AT and do the whole trail in sections whenever we can spare the time. Our only concern is about safety on the trail. You never know who you might meet on a trail in the mountains. Most hikers are a good lot and there is something of a good will effort among trail enthusiast called "trail magic" but still, there are bad apples everywhere too. It is a little daunting to think of being completely cut off from family and friends but it is also exciting and I think that if we do it it will be a big adventure. I'll keep you posted on how my training goes.

The plan is going well today. I have had my morning medicine and am about to add some caffeine. I am out of Lithium and almost out of Thorazine. I will be seeing Dr. G on Tuesday and can get those medicines then. I will be more careful next time and will try not to miss appointments anymore. I missed two appointments with her because I just didn't want to leave the house or ask Kailee to take me out. That was after relations with Kailee were strained. Anyway, Dail will be taking me Tuesday afternoon and I will finally be able to get my medications refilled.

I need to get some breakfast soon so I'm going to stop now. I have big dreams and I hope I also have the motivation and the perseverance to see them realized. Breakfast will probably be bacon and eggs. That is my favorite breakfast these days. First though, some caffeine.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend. Mine has been good except for the med withdrawal.

Sunshine

Just Because I Feel Like Posting

2012-01-14T20:51:00.000-05:00

It is starting to get late. Dail and Nick are home and we have had dinner. I had the meat from two whopper jrs. It was good. I did also have the onions and pickles as well. I didn't get in trouble today until I sneaked a few of Dail's fries. I was low on carbs today though so I'm sure I didn't have enough to cause an insulin spike. Just a few bites after having none all day. Now I have some healthy snacks here. I have some Atkin's bars and some pork skins. We are having homemade burgers another night this week and so I wanted something for myself so that I wouldn't be tempted by the boy's chips. We also have some steaks that we are going to pan-fry with mushrooms. I LOVE steak with mushrooms. It is good filling food for the Atkins plan.

Dail and Nick are watching calories too but they are not happy with doing the true Atkins plan. They will be having some meals that I won't partake of but they are meals that won't really tempt me anyway. It is difficult sometimes to prepare separate meals but we will manage. I just want to get to the place where Atkins comes naturally and I don't have to think so much about how many carbs I'm having. I lost the habit during Thanksgiving and now I'm having trouble getting back into it. It will take me about a month of solid conformity to the plan but then I should be okay.

There are so many schools of though about carbs and protein and which you should increase for activity. The hiker I have been reading about lived almost exclusively on carbs during his 6 month long hike. He ate massive quantities of food yet lost about 30 pounds during the course of the 6 months. Of course, he didn't start our with an insulin or a weight problem. I am curious to know if I will need to change my plan if and when I become really active. It is my intention to train for extended hiking trips. Dail and I are watching the weather for a good time to go. We are planning to go out tomorrow for a short reintroduction to hiking,. We have gotten soft and out of shape. I hope that it won't rain tomorrow. I will report in whether we go or not. If it rains us out I will spend some time on the treadmill. I am getting seriously motivated. I REALLY want to be a serious hiker.

I'm going to stop for now. One of my favorite movies is coming on: March of the Penguins.

Sunshine

Regular Flu or Induction Flu?

2012-01-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

Feeling rough at the moment. I was able to get in some treadmill time. I walked slowly but at the highest incline my treadmill has. I wore Dail's pack which weighs about 33 pounds. I made it for 5 minutes before I got out of breath and dizzy. His pack is just not made for me. It is adjusted to fit the contours of his body. I need to get my pack adjusted to me so that I can hike and train without hurting myself. As it was, I think Dail's pack might be a little more weight than I should start out with. I will work on packing out my backpack tonight. Dail has said he would like us to go on a short hike tomorrow, in spite of the cold. We will bundle up and go back to the McCarter Cemetery in Green Briar. It is about a mile hike there and a mile back so that should be a good starting place. I will take my small pack for this first trip back into the mountains and just make the goal, getting there and back without hurting myself. We will rest as necessary.

After I got in my treadmill time, I had a protein bar and then my medication but in spite of the Ritalin, I fell asleep. I guess that was my late night showing. I was up until 1 am and then got up this morning at 8 am. I guess my body needed more rest, the Ritalin not withstanding. I woke up feeling bad though. I am shaking and chilling. I always get cold when I am off the carbs but I don't always get shaky like this. I am guessing it is carb withdrawal but it is nothing more than I deserve after my bad behavior this week. Hopefully, it isn't regular flu. I do have a headache too and it feels cold in the house but I did have a flu shot this year. I will give it a couple of days before I call in the doctor. I was starving before my nap but now I don't seem to have any appetite. It might be that even 5 minutes on the treadmill has affected my appetite. I am hoping to be able to do 5 more minutes without the pack later today. I will let you know how it goes.

I am working on a long-term project for me and Dail and maybe Nick. Right now, we don't have the finances to fund a 6 month long trip through the Appalachian Trail but I am think we can section hike it during Dail's vacations. We can start at the beginning and walk as far as we can in a week or ten days, then stop and come home and on Dail's next vacation we can pick up where we left off. Hundreds of people do this every year. Very few have the means to invest to full 6 months or so that it takes the average person to traverse the trail. I might be dreaming but it is something that I would really like to do and today I took one step toward training for that goal. Hopefully, the thought of being out there will keep me moving forward to one day reach my goal.

I'm going to stop now and get back under the covers. I think keeping warm is helping with the shaking too.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Week 2 Update

2012-01-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

So, the day of reckoning has arrived. It has been a very emotional and bad week for me. Having my daughter announce that she was moving out really threw me for a loop. Just as I have done for most of my life, I turned to food to relief my depression and frustration. I think I have now adjusted to the idea that they are gone. They moved out yesterday and I am feeling some peace about it but it was a difficult day and I stuffed my feeling and loneliness with food. It is all reflected in my numbers. I am ashamed to post them but they say confession is good for the soul.

My weight for today is 167. I'm up 5 pounds from last week. I know some of this is water as I had a lot of salt for dinner last night. Not all of it can be explained by water retention though. I messed up and now I need to pay the piper. I can not find my tape measure. Judging by the way my clothes fit, I am back to where I started. I will use those measurements and then if I find my tape measure, I will update this post.

Waist: 34 1/2
Hips: 45
Bust: 38

I haven't been on plan very well this week. I had a few good days but mostly I was in '"don't care" mode as I was so down. I am fully willing to take the consequences and jump back into the challenge with new enthusiasm. Today is a brand new day and I intend to make a new start.

Exercise was minimal. There were a couple of days that I got up and moving but the plan that I had never materialized. I have got to get a little tougher on myself. I CAN do this if I want it bad enough. I was ruthless with my plan for most of the two years after surgery and it is time to apply that to getting in shape. Starting today, I am going to train for extended hiking. I am going to wear Dail's pack and walk on the treadmill every day for as long as I can. I may have to start with 5 minutes and work my way up but I am determined that this will start TODAY and will continue at least 5 days a week. I will try to increase my time by 5 minutes every week. I intend to set the treadmill at the highest elevation so that when the time comes to begin my hike for real, I can manage any level of climbing.

My reading went really well. I have added a new book to my list of challenge books. Unlike the others, it is about getting in shape, setting goals and working toward them rather than being about diet. It is called "A Walk For Sunshine" by Jeff Alt. He set a goal of walking the Appalachian Trail all in one long trip in an effort to raise money for The Sunshine House, a home for people with physical and mental disabilities. His brother is a resident there and this was an effort to give back to the home for their excellent care of his brother. The book chronicles his journey from Georgia to Maine and includes day to day observations and stories about who he met on the trail and the obstacles he encountered. It is very inspirational to read about the adversity he overcame and the understanding of the higher power that was watching over him. This book is an excellent read and is available at Amazon. I have it on my Kindle and it is well worth the purchase price. I highly recommend it to anyone who loves the outdoors and adventures in nature.

Here is a quote from the book:

"On my thru-hike, I discarded items from my backpack that did nothing but weigh me down. I was more efficient and agile with a lighter pack. I return to the mountains often to metaphorically lighten my pack of life. It's easy to get bogged down in our daily lives by taking on extra responsibilities, spending more time on work projects than with family, running in all directions without a focus. Hiking helps me regroup and separate my priorities from the responsibilities that I've shouldered. It's amazing how much more refreshed and successful I am after I realign my focus and goals."

This is true.When Dail and I were hiking every weekend, everything was clearer and less confused. Getting away from the world for even a few hours reset my focus onto the more important things of life and I could feel my stress melting away. I definitely want that feeling again, so until the weather is better, I will be training to hit the trails again so that we can spend more time getting away from the day to day stresses. That is my new goal for this challenge. To get in good enough shape to be able to hike for extended periods.

I did well with water this week. It is effortless now to get in all my fluids.

I talked with my buddy and daughter every day and we encouraged each other through we both did stumble this week. We are recommitting today and I have no doubt that Bethany can do this. She will be here soon to post her link. She is without internet for the time being so she will be coming here to post her updates.

I commented on as many blogs as I could get to, offering encouragement. This isn't hard for me as I have a lot of time on my hands. I hope I was helpful and commented in ways that were positive and encouraging. I wish us all well on the rest of the challenge.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

Sunshine

Confessions On A Friday Night

2012-01-13T20:53:00.000-05:00

I have been BAD. I completely blew my plan all day today and half the day yesterday. I have been so stressed about Kailee moving out and the Kindle not working for a while and being out of some meds and I completely lost my self-control. Tomorrow is going to be my do it or die day. I'm starting over. I'm going to get back on the Atkin's plan and I'm going to do some treadmill walking. There are no more excuses. I have my house back. I have all the privacy I could want.

I spent most of the day today reading a new book. It is called "A Walk Fort Sunshine". Isn't that appropriate for me? It is the story of a young man's hiking trip from one end of the Appalachian Trail to the other. I will post more about it in my update tomorrow. I haven't weighed today. I'm afraid of what the scale will tell me. First thing in the morning I will weigh and measure myself and give a full accounting of myself. My best area is in the reading area. I will have finished the book by tomorrow and it is motivating me to get moving. More about that tomorrow.

I know some of you will come by and give me a good ass kicking. I need a severe one. I don't know if I have done damage or not. The scale will show it tomorrow.

Cheers and hopefully, better days ahead.

Sunshine

Feeling Down But Trying To Stay Positive

2012-01-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

I'm missing Kailee and Mike and am feeling a little panicky about handling things around here by myself. I'm also worried about how they are going to make it. They have already had to borrow food money from us and they are just moving to their new place today. We didn't have much to loan them as we have to buy medicine this week but we did what we could.

Bethany and Brandon are struggling too. It is just a rough time of year. I talked to Bethany a little while ago and she will be here soon. She is picking up Dail's medication for me. We finally got our insurance cards so all three of his scripts should only be a $10 co-pay each. I also have 3 script to get but I can't get in touch with Dr. G. There was some miscommunication about the pharmacy phone number and she wasn't able to call in my meds yesterday. She told me she would try again today but I haven't heard from her. The pharmacy will close at 6 pm and won't open again until Monday. I am out of Lithium and almost out of Depakote and Thorazine. I really need these meds as I feel an emotional meltdown coming on. I have been rather teary today but I know it is mostly because of Kailee leaving. I have been out of Lithium for two days and that may be having an affect too. I have an appointment with Dr. G on Tuesday so if I can hang on until then, I will be okay.

Bethany and Brandon are going out to dinner tonight and we decided to all get together again at a local restaurant. Dail and Nick and I were planning to go out anyway so we will just make it a group event and enjoy ourselves. Jasmine will be with us too but Chase is spending the night with his great grandmother, as he usually does on Friday nights. It should be a fun evening. After dinner, Dail and Nick and I will get groceries. I will do some walking I hope, and get some exercise.

I just needed to blog for something to do. I'm lonely and sad and missing Kailee and thought blogging my feelings would help. Bethany will be coming back here soon and that will help me to feel better. Hopefully, I will be back to myself after a night out on the town.

Sunshine

New Day

2012-01-13T09:04:00.000-05:00

It is a new day. There is snow on the ground but really only a light dusting. The way the wind was howling last night you would have thought it was a blizzard. It was blowing the siding and the shingles and making the power flicker. I was worried the power would go out but it didn't, thank goodness. It has been an interesting morning. Kailee and Mike are packing to leave. I am sad about it but also a little relieved. I am planning to get into my Kindle in a little while when things settle down. I had scrambled eggs with ham and cheese for breakfast. It was okay but Nick made them in the microwave and they were not up to his usual standards. In fact, I have kind of a tummy ache. He usually makes my eggs soft scrambled in a skillet. Kailee and Mike are now gone. The last thing they did was ask to borrow more money.

Bethany came by to use the laptop. She is still without internet so she needs to use ours to file her taxes. It seems like all of us are having trouble recovering from Christmas spending. Next week will see big improvements in Dail and my situation. He will get a full check and we will be able to put something back for a rainy day. I can't wait to be able to see the savings account rise.

Hopefully, we will be going out to get groceries tonight. We will probably have dinner somewhere too. It will be a fun night out but it is also bitterly cold here and the wind cuts like a knife. I will have to get out all my cold weather gear to go out. Weather this cold makes me want to huddle under the covers and stay in. Later, I'm going to get Nick to help me get my exercise room back in order. Time to get training and moving. Hopefully, my new Kindle book with get me motivated to really train for hiking and back country camping. The weather is bad for those things right now but that doesn't mean I can't spend my days getting in shape.

Gotta run now.

Sunshine

Snow and Scary Movies

2012-01-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

It is snowing here still. There is about and inch on the ground. I'm not sure how much we are supposed to get but it isn't coming down to hard now.

I'm getting ready to go to bed but I wanted to blog so that I can erase the memory of a disturbing movie before I go to sleep. Dail and I were watching The Happening with Mark Wahlberg. People were reacting to a neurotoxin and were committing mass suicide. Very disturbing. I tried not to watch. We didn't watch it all. Dail is going to sleep now and I decided to take my mind off it by blogging. I feel better now.

We got my Kindle connected and now I am just charging and reading. I LOVE it and finally can enjoy it the way I have wanted to all day. Talk about a test of patience! Whew. It was a long day waiting.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I hope I wake up to a lot of snow on the ground.

Sunshine

Change In Plans

2012-01-12T20:21:00.000-05:00

Bethany and Brandon had an internet outage at their house so instead of our going there, they came here. We have had a good time. The boys are playing with the X Box and Bethany and I are in the bedroom surfing the net. Well, technically... I'm blogging.

It has been a little bit of a stressful day. I really want my Kindle connected but there hasn't been time for it yet. Dail and Nicholas can't figure out the password. I'm very frustrated. I hope they will be able to get it done tonight because it will be difficult to get through another day without being connected. Dail won't be here to work on it tomorrow.

I was able to connect long enough to get a couple of books. I got a double novel by Mary Balogh, one of my favorite romance authors. I also got a book, I can't remember the name, that is about a man who hiked the whole Appalachian Trail in about 6 months. The book chronicles his journey from day to day and it is a fascinating read. I am learning a lot of good tips about hiking and back country camping. Dail is working on my Kindle now or I would put the title here but anyway, the young man made the hike in order to raise money for a home for disabled people. He was able to raise about $16000 in 1998, I think it was. I think that someday, if Dail and I ever have the time and the money to do it, we might make that trek. As soon as Kailee and Mike move out tomorrow, I'm going to steal myself to get moving and I'm going to start training on my treadmill for hiking steep trails. That will be my exercise from now on.

I'm getting kind of tired now so I'm going to stop but I hope to be back on tomorrow and hopefully, will be connected. I can't spend any more money on books but I can download some free ones once I am connected. I wish everyone a good night.

Sunshine

Complications... DAMMIT!!!

2012-01-12T12:55:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a bit irate. Yes. I expected it to be a good day. No. I didn't account for complications. My Kindle is here and I am loving it. I ordered a skin to go over it and it is a PINK skin. I love it. The problem I am having is in connecting to our Wi Fi. Neither Dail nor Nicholas remembers our code key so I will have to wait until Dail gets home and see what we can do about getting me connected. I was able to briefly connect to a neighbors wireless and downloaded my Atkins book so I do have something to read on the Kindle but I really want to be able to figure out how to navigate the thing online and having to wait is stretching my limited patience. Have I ever mentioned that I am the most IMPATIENT person you could ever meet? I am. I like to have everything RIGHT NOW. I need to learn to channel my restlessness, I know. I used to be a daydreamer but my thoughts are too chaotic these days. Anyway, this has been a day or mixed blessings. While I as trying to get my Kindle connected, I messed up the wireless on my laptop. It was down for about an hour and I was going crazy. Then Nick got back up and got my laptop working again. Whew! I should know better than to fool with anything electronic as it never goes well. Hopefully, Dail will be able to get the code from his laptop when he gets home and I can set up the Kindle then. Plus, Bethany invited Nick and Dail and I over to their place for dinner and games. We didn't make it over there last night as Dail was just too tired. They have a Kinnect game called Ninja Fruit, that sounds like a hoot. The game throws fruit at you and you get to karate chop it for points. I would say it will be an unusual experience.

Kailee and Mike will be moving out tomorrow. I am hating to see them go but maybe all concerned will be better off. It will take a financial burden off us and maybe we can save some money with fewer people to support. I will miss having Kailee around as she has been good company for me but it is time for me to become more dependent on myself. I hope they can make it on their own. I know they can if they will just manage their money a little better.

I'm going to stop now. I'm letting the Kindle charge. Thanks for letting me vent.

Sunshine

Watching For UPS

2012-01-12T09:07:00.000-05:00

Today is the day! My Kindle will be arriving soon. I have the curtains drawn back and I have my little face pressed against the window watching for the big brown truck with UPS on the side. Well, not literally but I am watching from my bedroom for the roar of the truck and the knock at the door. Nick is up with me and he is scrambling some eggs with ham in some real butter. I LOVE Atkins. There is only one thing to mar the morning. Our bank account is in the red. The house insurance, which is an automatic payment, went through this morning and bounced our account. We weren't expecting it until next week and so Dail is understandably upset. If I had waited to order my Kindle until my allowance for today was in the bank we wouldn't have the overdraft fee. I feel really bad about causing him more stress. I just was so impatient to get the Kindle I asked for my allowance in advance, not knowing that the house insurance would be coming out today. Dail gets his check today so we will be able to take care of everything. We are having to deal with less money right now because the insurance premiums are now coming out of Dail's check plus the last twp checks have been short because of the holiday pay. They have been regular pay and not the overtime pay he is used to. It makes more of a difference than you might think. Anyway, if we can just make it through another week without going under, then things should be much better. Until then, I'm afraid Dail is going to be discouraged and that he will get depressed until we are caught up again. I hope to talk to him later and make him feel better.

I'm going to stop for now but I will update when the Kindle gets here.

Sunshine

Blogging Again For Today

2012-01-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

It has been a long day. I have been very anxiously awaiting my Kindle. It will be here tomorrow for sure but I had secretly hoped it would be here today. I'm very restless waiting for it. UPS usually runs around 11 am so by that time tomorrow I should have my new toy. I have wanted a Kindle ever since they first came out but they were so expensive in the beginning that I didn't think I would ever get one. Now that my dream is about to come true, I just about can't sit still. So, I am blogging again.

Dinner was good. I had my leg quarter and a salad and now as a light dessert, I'm having some berries with some splenda on them. They are very good but they are making my tummy rumble. Probably had a few too many. Either that or my stomach doesn't like splenda. Up until now, I have always used aspartame. I might just be an aspartame girl instead of a splenda girl.

Tomorrow is Thursday so we will probably be going out to dinner and to get groceries. Dail and Nick are going to go on a diet as well but they aren't too thrilled about Atkins. We are just going to set a calorie limit for them and then watch what they eat. I will try to make an appropriate shopping list tomorrow. We can pretty much eat the same things except that I will skip the starch and breads. We will see how it goes.

I don't know where we will have dinner yet but I am looking forward to going out. If the weather is bad though, we might stay home and let Dail bring something home for dinner.l

I'm getting tired now so I'm going to stop. I need to get my meds taken. The earlier I go to bed the earlier tomorrow will come.

Sunshine

Had A Long Nap

2012-01-11T16:58:00.000-05:00

It has been a long and dreary day. We have had thunder showers and cloudy skies most of the day. The sun broke through a couple of times but by the time I got outside to soak some up it was gone again. I did sit out for a few minutes but the gray skies were depressing. Just waiting here now for Dail to get home. He will be getting off at 6 and then will stop by the market on his way home. I am having the chicken leg quarters with a side salad but they all want some rice with theirs. It doesn't tempt me so I won't be indulging. After dinner, we may go over to Bethany's and Brandon's and play games. It just depends on how tired Dail is when he gets home. I talked to him earlier and there were a lot of computer problems today so he might be too tired or stressed to do anything after dinner.

Nothing much is going on except trying to kill time until Dail gets here. I miss him. The house is too quiet.

Sunshine

New Morning

2012-01-11T09:02:00.000-05:00

Here we are again, on the verge of a new day. It isn't looking great here. It is rainy and depressing so I'm keeping the curtains drawn so that I don't have to see it. My moods are easily affected by the weather so I have to be careful. I am feeling pretty good today in spite of the weather though. Just a little brain fog from my carb adventure last night but I am back on plan today and I think I will be back to myself by this evening. Bethany came by to get my bank card and I am having her pick up some chicken leg quarters. That will be supper tonight, along with a salad. The boys will also have some rice but I will skip that part. It has been a while since we had chicken quarters but they used to be a family favorite. I just haven't seen them at the market in a while. Bethany has been getting them for her family and so she offered to pick some up for us. Dail will be surprised. He loved the chicken thighs especially. I usually season them with a little season salt and paprika. I'm looking forward to dinner but at the moment, I'm not the least but hungry.

I have been tracking my Kindle shipment. It is on the way. It will be here tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it. I have been wanting one since they came out several years ago but they were so expensive when they first came out that I couldn't justify the expense. Now they are much more reasonable and I was able to get it with one with my allowance, plus a skin to protect it until I can get a cover. I also have a reading light picked out to go with it. I will order it next week with my next allowance. I found a pink cover that I love. There are no pink reading lights so I will get white. I'm very excited about this purchase and about the lending library Amazon has for its Prime members. I should have enough books to read to keep me busy for quite a long time..

Time to get myself busy and off the laptop. I will be checking in on everyone today. I hope you all have a happy hump day.

Sunshine

Home From Dinner

2012-01-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

It was a nice dinner out. I did have Eggplant Parmesan and it was wonderful. I had part of the salad that came with it and loved it. It also came with a side of spaghetti with marinara and I had one bite but then gave the rest to Dail for his lunch tomorrow. However, I blew to whole thing by ordering a piece of coconut cake to share with Nick and Dail. I ate mostly icing and of course became sick from all the sugar. It served me right and will put me back on the straight and narrow tomorrow. I'm done eating for the night now and all that food is gone. I did make up for a little of the bad behavior by going to Walmart and walking around for a while. We picked up a few things, including some Estroven. I've been out since Sunday and maybe today's little emotional meltdown was a result of hormones. Anyway, I have some now and I'm going to take it tonight and then again tomorrow and maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I just keep hoping for the best. I am not going to stay up late tonight. I'm going to bed early so I can get plenty of rest. I need to get back to my normal routine of waking at 8 am. My Kindle is on the way and that will be something to look forward to. I already have some books to put on it and maybe it will inspire me to walk down to the river and sit to read a bit in the fresh air.

Until tomorrow.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 2 Post

2012-01-10T16:50:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe it has been two weeks already. Time is going by fast. I was doing well until this weekend and then I kind of got a little out of control with my carbs. It just goes to show you how dangerous that first bite can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very restricted and within Atkins guidelines but I'm not keeping the carbs as low as I intended. I am going to change that starting tomorrow. Tonight, Dail is taking us out for a special dinner at an Italian place and though I will avoid the pasta and bread, there will be some carbs in the sauce for what I want and so I am going to wait until in the morning to start counting carbs again. I plan on having Eggplant Parmesan tonight. It will be rich and gooey and I will love it but it is the last indulgence I will allow myself for a while. I have been on plan all day today so dinner tonight shouldn't do too much damage. The scale wasn't kind to me this morning. I weighed in at 165, which is up 3 pounds from Saturday. However, I had corned beef brisket for dinner last night and so consumed a lot of salt and I forgot to weigh in today until I had had several bottles of water. I really shouldn't have stayed up so late reading last night. I just got interested in "In Cold Blood" and couldn't put it down until I finished it. I need to turn my interest into reading my challenge books so tonight before bed I will read a chapter in each of my 4 books and will post about them tomorrow. Sometimes it is difficult for me to concentrate well enough to read but I seem to be doing okay the last few day. I just need to refresh my interest in reading books related to my health and well-being.

The exercise challenge is still not happening. I just can't seem to get moving. I am a little inhibited in going to the den and getting on the treadmill because of Mike and Kailee being here. I like to walk around wearing very little and having Mike here poses a privacy problem. I think when they move out on Friday, I will be able to get myself moving more. I will be able to set all my exercise equipment back up in that bedroom and can work out in private. I don't like to workout where anyone can see me.

My buddy, Bethany, is hanging in there but is having some slips too. She is at work right now so she can't post her update yet but she is still losing on the plan in spite of a few slips. I check in with her by phone every day.

I have been by several blog to offer support so I am keeping up that end of the challenge. I am also meditating regularly if not praying for my fellow challengers.

I guess that is it for the update.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. " Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. " John Lennon

Sunshine

Sigh. More Issues

2012-01-10T13:12:00.000-05:00

Besides trying to get my food under control, I have also been trying to get my spending under control It was going well until today. I have been saving my allowance since last week because I hope to get and Android ina few weeks. Well, last night, as I was using my Kindle PC I realized that I would really like a REAL Kindle. The kind you hold in your hand. I knew that when I got my allowance this week I would have enough to get one. However, I am impatient and decided to ask Dail for my allowance early. He said no and I was absolutly heartbroken. A total overreaction on my part. It was tears and just emotional crap that I couldn't control.He finally relented but now I'm feeling not so hot for having made him feel bad. It isn't his fault that I am so emotional and I don't always need to get my way. It could have waited until Thursday when I get my allowance again. I just don't understand myself and I don't know where Dail gets his patience in dealing with me. I have been emotional all morning. Crying left and right. I think my feelings are still hurt from some of the things Kailee said last night on Facebook. I am torn between wanting her on her own and being afraid I can't cope without her here. I'm better off without her resentment. I do know that. I hope things will be better soon. I can't take much more of this roller coaster.

Sunshine

Up Late Last Night

2012-01-10T10:51:00.000-05:00

So, I know I have mentioned that I have downloaded the Kindle for PC program. It is free and allows you to purchase Kindle books to read on your computer. Well, it looks like this week my dream is finally going to come true. I will have enough saved from my allowance to get a real Kindle. I can't wait. I will get to order it on Thursday. It should be here no later than Monday. I'm so excited. I've been wanting a Kindle forever. It will be a constant companion as I love to read. In fact, I was up late last night reading on my Kindle for PC. It was an old classic. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. I got so interested in the story that I couldn't put it down. I guess it interested me because I saw the movie "Capote" the other night and it made me think about the book, which I hadn't read in many years. The story is poignant and disturbing and I couldn't stop reading until I finished the book. Now I can focus on my challenge books, which I have neglected for the last couple of days.

Yesterday was an upsetting day. Kailee said some unkind things about me and she spent the morning with my mother, no doubt trashing. I haven't heard from my mother since before Christmas and I know she is angry that we didn't go to her house for Christmas dinner. My mother has a vindictive streak and when Kailee is about to do something that will hurt me, she always seeks her out for backup. There is nothing I can do to change Kailee's mind about leaving but she is drawing the whole thing out and causing tension ans stress in the house and I wish if they are going that they would just go. She feels I am a burden to her, even though Dail and I have been supporting her and Mike for weeks. I have dependent on her emotionally when Dail has been at work and I guess she is resenting it. She is very jealous of Nick and feels that he is spoiled. She doesn't see how difficult life is for someone with Nick's problems. This has been an issue their whole lives. She has resented him and treated him badly and he has been miserable having her here. It is for the best that they move out but it will be a difficult transition for me.

I think I need some caffeine as I'm still tired so I am going to stop now. I hope everyone is having a good week.

Sunshine

Piece Of Childhood Refound

2012-01-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

One Thanksgiving eve when I was 8 or 9 years old, I was at my grandmother's house watching television. The original version of "Dr. Doolittle" with Rex Harrison was on and I was enjoying it immensely. In the middle of the movie, my parents arrived to pick me up. I was in the untenable position of choosing whether or not to go home with them or to stay and watch the rest of the movie and spend the night with my grandmother. The choice was complicated by the fact that the previous winter I had had a nightmare in which my grandmother had been murdered and since that time had been unable to spend the night away from home. In light of the fact that I knew a panic attack would find me come bedtime if I wasn't at home, I decided to leave with my parents and miss the movie. Today, for the first time since that long ago evening, I have the opportunity to watch the original "Dr. Doolittle" on one of the movie channels. I am enjoying myself immensely and feeling a little like something lost has been given back. It is odd how something so simple can bring a good feeling. :)

I hope everyone is having a good day.

Sunshine

Early

2012-01-09T09:47:00.000-05:00

I'm up early considering how late I was up. Bethany called and they have worked out something with Carmax about their car so that they won't lose it. She will be back by soon and we are going to help as much as we can. I hate that they are going through this. They have been struggling since before Christmas and were hoping to make it through until they get their tax refund. They will be okay then but they are waiting on Brandon's W-2s. I feel for them but Dail and I aren't in good enough financial shape ourselves to help much. Anyway, I'm thankful they aren't losing the car. I don't know how they would manage without it.

I am just chilling this morning. I was up very late hoping Dail would eventually wake up and spend some time with me but he never did. I guess he was just exhausted. Hopefully, he will be awake this evening when he gets home and I will have some time with him.

I'm going to try to do some reading today. I have several books I would like to work on and then I will report later on them. I hope everyone has a great day.

Sunshine

Tagged!!!! TWICE!!!!

2012-01-09T01:18:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I have been tagged by Julie and Nanette. You can click on their names to see their responses. I usually don't do these things but this one sounded fun and I have nothing else to do tonight. I'm feeling a little down and lonely, as I blogged earlier so this will be just what I needed to give me a boost.

The first thing I have to do is share 11 random things about myself.

1. I like both cats and dogs but at the moment have 4 cats and no dogs.
2. I broke two toes in 2011 and those toes still look odd.
3. I love tie-dyed clothing.
4. From 6th grade through college, I played the clarinet and the saxophone.
5. I would love to own and learn to play the hammer dulcimer.
6. My first cat's name was Prozac.
7. My favorite forbidden snack cakes are Raspberry Zingers.
8. I'm a fan of the Twilight Saga.
9. My favorite drink is a Malibu Breeze.
10. I love anything pink.
11. I helped choose my granddaughter's name: Jasmine Ruby Irene.

Now, here are 11 questions for me to answer.

1. How did you handle a friend departing your life?

I get down and depressed when there are parting in my life. Some of the worst moments of my life involved the loss of loved ones.

2. Empty nest?

My older daughter is married and they live on their own. My younger daughter and her boyfriend are getting ready to move out next week but my son, Nicholas is autistic and will always need our care so our nest will never be completely empty.

3. am or pm workouts?

I generally work out whenever I can get my butt out of bed. I don't have a certain time of day that is better than other. My energy is usually highest though about midmorning.

4. Self employed, employed, full time, part time, retired?

I just stay home and take care of my son and my cats. I have my hands full just keeping myself together these days.

5. College? Not?

I went to college for two years a long time ago and I am currently taking online classes to finish my degree.

6. Treadmill or outside?

I prefer outside but I do have a treadmill for when the weather is bad or I just don't feel like getting dressed. The treadmill doesn't care if I am nekkid but the neighbors might.

7. Favorite candy?

I love Almond Joy candy bars.

8. Camping or hotels?

I like both. It depends on where we are going. I like the outdoors when the weather is good but I can also appreciate the benefits of a nice hotel.

9. Do you make a lot of food from scratch?

I'm usually all about convenience these days but I prefer foods made from scratch and do it when I'm up to it.

10. Do you write hand write notes or just e-mails?

I usually just email except at Christmas time when I send out a few Christmas cards.

11. Blogging a hassle or fun or just something to do?

I love blogging. It is fun and it is therapy for me. I love blogging my journey.

Now, 11 questions for YOU to answer.

1. Who is your favorite actor/actress?

2. What is your favorite movie?

3. Are you a coffee drinker?

4. Do you play a musical instrument?

5. What kind of car do you drive?

6. What brand of bath soap do you use?

7. Do you have any pets? What kind?

8. Do you have a dishwasher or do you do them the old fashioned way?

9. What type of music do you like?

10. What do you wear for sleeping?

11. Do you have any piercings? If so, where?

Now I am supposed to tag 11 people but I hate to put pressure on my blogging friends to participate if they would rather not so I'm going to leave this open for anyone who wants to do it to take it to their blog and pass on the tag.

I hope you all enjoy it. It gave me something to do and I had a good time doing it.

Sunshine

Too Much Time Alone

2012-01-08T22:45:00.000-05:00

Dail only got up long enough for dinner and then he went back to sleep. Nick got up in time for dinner but has been in the dining room on the computer since then. I have been on my own and I am very lonesome tonight. There have just been too many hours without some conversation. I like to have a little bit of solitude every day but today I have had too much. I feel sad and down and withdrawn. Kailee has been at work all day and Mike stayed in their room all day. I don't feel like going to bed yet. It is like I didn't have my day yet. I'm still waiting for it to happen.

To occupy my mind I have been watching television. I watched Capote and now I'm watching The Karate Kid. I'm TIRED of TV and movies. I would like to read or something. I just wanted to blog out my feelings so the sadness doesn't eat me up. I will probably feel better tomorrow.

Sunshine

Sundays Are Made For Contemplation

2012-01-08T13:21:00.000-05:00

I'm kind of at loose ends today. Dail is napping and I am just sitting here beside him thinking about thing. The TV is on with the volume down but I am not really watching it. I feel pretty peaceful The rest of the house is quiet too. Everyone is asleep but me. Kailee will be getting up soon to get ready for work. At least, I think she works today. The cats are also napping now though they were pretty rowdy earlier. I've had my breakfast... some leftover pot roast from dinner last night. It was good but I am stuffed. I will probably have light lunch. Maybe some yogurt.

I'm feeling generally better at the moment. I have higher hopes about getting through the winter and finishing my college degree. I have been scared of failing this class I'm in, which is about halfway done, but my have a 98 average in there. Sometimes I worry and doubt just because of my disorder and not because I have good reason to worry about doubt. I guess it goes back to childhood when nothing I did was ever good enough. It made me feel inadequate for everything. I have trouble believing I can do anything at all. Dail is the first person to give me a sense of worth and a sense that I can accomplish whatever I want to do bad enough. If I could just hold onto that confidence when things are darkest or when my disorder flares then I would be able to do more. I am starting to remember now why I decided to go back to school. I am starting to believe again that I can do it. Dail is such a great encourager. I just wish I could stay so positive all the time. I guess that is just the hell of having disordered thinking. My motivation waxes and wanes. So does my energy level.I need to learn to work around it instead of trying to fight it. Fighting my disorder wears me out and ultimately sets me back. I'm going to get back into my Mindfulness book today. I think that will help me get through the rough spots.

Anyway, I have blogged enough for now. I hope everyone is having a great Sunday.

Sunshine

Slept In This Morning

2012-01-08T11:09:00.000-05:00

Dail and I stayed up late watching movies last night. It was fun and the movies were good. I already blogged about "Red" but we also watched "Charlie St. Cloud." It was a really good and poignant movie. I'm glad it had a happy ending. I was so touched with the story that I am dying to read the book. It will have to wait for a little while though as my allowance is spoken for for the next few weeks. I am saving my allowance for an Android phone. I should have enough by the end of January. This is a real test of my saving ability. I am used to spending my allowance as fast as I get it. However, I am trying to turn over a new leaf this year and not spend all the extra money we have. So far, so good. We were able to save some money this week in spite of Dail's check being short. He will have another short check this coming week because of New Year's Day. Even though Christmas and New Year's fell on Sundays this year, the company gave the employees the next day off, paid. It is a paid day but it will be a regular paid day and will cut into Dail's overtime. Overtime is where Dail makes most of his income. He works 60-70 hours per week. It is not wonder that I don't see him much. He loves his job though so I don't say much to him about taking more time off. He is the only one who does his job at the company so there is a lot to do. He will have a busy week this coming week and will probably have to go in early every day and stay late. I am hoping they will eventually find him an assistant. The last one didn't work out.

It is supposed to rain today so I don't think we will be going hiking. Dail is still sleeping and I know he will need to rest for a while because we were up so late. I can't remember if I woke up at 8 and took my Ritalin or not so I am having to wait until 12 to take it, just in case. In the meantime, I'm trying to get some caffeine in so I can get moving. I also need to find me something for breakfast.

Got a call from Beth. She is having a difficult morning. Some people came to repossess their car. They are behind on the payments and she is scared they will lose it. Brandon isn't home and so she is trying to deal with it alone. Please remember her in your prayers. I am worried sick about her. Hopefully, we will be able to work something out with them. Dail and I will try to help. Brandon should have been home long before now and Bethany is going to have to borrow Kailee's car to go look for him. She thinks maybe the car broke down. When it rains it pours.

I'm going to stop now. I need to be available if she calls. I hope this all works out. She works so hard and this will really mess her up for a while.

Sunshine

Nice Evening

2012-01-07T23:00:00.000-05:00

It is pouring rain here in Tennessee but we are all warm and cozy indoors. I love nights like this. The anxiety has lessened and I'm feeling good. I saved up all my carbs for the day so I could have a special treat tonight. I love the Grands Jr. biscuits and so I had a couple of those with some real butter. Dinner was roast beef with a few mushrooms and onions. I stuck to my protein and fat plan all day until tonight. I won't do this often but I was just needing some comfort food and a little carb treat. I will be right back on it again tomorrow. I know it isn't a good idea to allow treats when you are in weight loss phase but I am at a normal weight for my height now so it is just icing on the cake if I lose down to where I want to be. My MD's nurse things I should stay where I am but I feel better just a few pounds thinner. So, tomorrow...back on plan and we will see how it goes.

My husband and I are watching "Red" for the fifth or sixth time now. We just can't get enough of it. I like it mostly because a childhood friend is in it. I went to school for a year with Mary-Louise Parker. She was lovely even back then and always said she wanted to be an actress. I will never forget the first time I saw her after she had made it. She was on the Tony Award show on TV. I was thrilled and stunned to see her. I doubt that she would remember me so I have never tried to contact her but I have been a fan all these years and I particularly like her in :"Red."

Almost time to call it a night. I just thought I would blog for a minute and say "Good Night."

Sunshine

Anxious This Evening

2012-01-07T16:41:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a little wired this evening. I think I had a bit too much caffeine. I need to just chill out and relax. It is a couple more hours until Dail will be home. I can't wait until he gets here. He is my ultimate de-stressor. I haven't had a lot of food today. Some pecans, yogurt, bacon, and an Atkins bar. I need to have some real food so I'm thinking of having Dail pick up a chuck roast on his way home. I love roast with mushrooms. I usually prefer to cook roasts in my slow cooker but I have also used the cooking bags for the oven to make them tender. I will probably let the boys have some potatoes and carrots with theirs. I will also add some Brussels Sprouts to the side of mine. I love Brussels Sprouts.

Nanette, I appreciate the tag but I hope you won't mind if I don't do it right away. I need a little time to get my thoughts together and then I will do it. Maybe later tonight or tomorrow. My husband is off work tomorrow and he will be sleeping so I will have plenty of time to do it then. :)

It has been a tense and stressful day in the house today. It was okay this morning as Bethany and Jasmine came by but things are tense with Kailee and Mike as I am still upset about their decision to move out. Kailee has been a lot of company to me on the long days when Dail is working and I will miss her. I also worry that they will move out and not be able to make it. There rent where they are moving will be more than they were paying us and I don't know if they will be able to do it or not. They think so. I guess I will just have to trust them to know what they are doing. It is just a sad a stressful time for me. I think though that if I wasn't already so depressed and anxious that I wouldn't be taking this so hard. It is just winter and I always have a more difficult time then. I keep looking toward spring with the hope that things will be brighter.

In the meantime, I will focus on my health and weight loss and will continue trying to get myself into an exercise program. I keep watching the mail box for our insurance cards. I wish they would get here. There are some things I need to have done soon that will be a good distraction. I need to have a mammogram and a DEXA scan. Plus, I need to make an appointment with Kristin. I haven't seen her in over a month now because of finances and because I sometimes have difficulty going out of the house. All these things can distract me from the depression if I allow them to.

I guess that is all for now. I will be checking back later, maybe. It helps me to blog when the anxiety gets high.

Sunshine

Eve 2 Easter Challenge Week 2 Check In

2012-01-07T09:44:00.000-05:00

Good morning challengers! I hope everyone is doing well this week. I have been checking in on most of you and I think we are off to a good start. Here is my update:

Today
Weight: 162
Waist 33 1/2
Hips 43
Bust: 37 1/2

As most of you know, I got a new scale mid week and that changed my starting weight from 160 to 164 so I am showing a loss this week of 2 pounds. I have also lost an inch around my waist, 2 inches around my hips and 1/2 an inch around my bust. I can't really afford to lose any around my bust as I have very small breasts but I think I am losing some back fat, of which there is still plenty.

I have not been able to read in my books every day but have been on most days. I am almost through with the Atkins book. Living low carb is at a technical chapter right now about the science of why low carb works and I am struggling to retain the information. I understand it but can't explain it. I'm sure this is part of my disorder that is keeping me from reading. However, I intend to do better next week even if it is only to read a couple of paragraphs every day. I am also adding a 4th book. The Mindful Way Through Depression. You will see it over on the sidebar of my blog. I started it a while back and never finished it. It was really helping and now I'm going to redouble my efforts to works through this winter depression so that I can be more functional.

I have gotten all my water in every day So no problem there.

I have stayed on plan except for one day when I went a little over my carb limit. Overall Atkins is working for me and altogether since I started the plan, I've lost 7 pounds.

Exercise has not been good. I really need to do better. I just can't seem to make myself do it. I will try harder this week just to do SOMETHING.

I have been around to visit most of you this week to offer some support and encouragement. I didn't get to all of you every day but I got to most of you at least a couple of times during the week.

I spent quite a bit of time in meditation. I'm still finding it difficult to pray but I have been sitting still and just letting my mind go free to foster some inner peace. Sometimes I just have to be still and KNOW.

I still have the same mottos this week.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon.

Sunshine

Preparing For Tomorrow

2012-01-06T19:37:00.000-05:00

The night is still young but I am really tired. I'm trying to get into health conscious mode before tomorrow. I haven't really been off plan, though I did go over my carb limit yesterday. Anyway, tomorrow I will be doing measurements and weighing in and will post my update to E2E. In the meantime, I thought I would blog a little. I already know that I am not going to be happy with the weigh in. It will be more than last week because of the3 differences in my daughter's old scale and my new one. Plus, I seem to be retaining water today. Not as much peeing going on as usual even though I got in all my fluids today.

We had burgers again tonight but this time they came from Wendy's. I took the bread off mine so I should be on plan unless Wendy's uses some type of filler that I don't know about. I was very good and didn't even look twice at Nick's fries. I don't usually like to have the same dinner two nights in a row but I didn't feel like going out tonight and Dail chose the restaurant. It works in a pinch.The burger was really good and now I am stuffed.

Bethany came by and brought me some Splenda. She and Brandon were going out for a steak. She told me that the break from school might be temporary. She is just overwhelmed with so much going on in her life right now. She has been struggling to get through algebra and it has her very stressed out. She has been unable to find a tutor. Hopefully, she will eventually go back and finish later on. She is a very bright young lady and I know she can do it if she decides that is what she wants.

I talked to Kailee too. She and Mike have found a place where they can be on their own. They are going to reimburse us after they get their tax returns. The place they are going is very close to Kailee's work so she will be able to walk and save a lot on gas money. They will be moving out on Friday. I will just have to get used to being more on my own around here again.

I hope the scale is kind to me tomorrow. I am feeling a little weak. I haven't had any carbs today so maybe I should have a few.

Sunshine

Too Much All At Once

2012-01-06T15:35:00.000-05:00

So much to deal with today. This morning I read Bethany's blog and found out she is dropping out of school. I feel partly responsible because I haven't put enough emphasis on college. I am afraid that she is giving up because I am struggling and thinking of dropping out myself. I hate to set a bad example but I think that is exactly what I have done. I can't get in touch with Bethany and she blogged about this instead of telling me herself so I am a little upset that she didn't talk to me about it.

Then, there is Kailee. She left a little while ago and just now I see that she posted on Facebook that she and Mike are moving out next Friday. I didn't have a clue and she didn't mention it when she was in here this morning. She and Mike owe us quite a bit of money as we have been supporting them for many weeks now. It will be a burden off us to have them move out but they promised to repay us for what we have given them so far. I don't know what will happen there but I have a bad feeling about it.

It seems that I am the last to know everything around here and I'm feeling very disappointed that my girls couldn't be bothered to talk to me about these things. It hasn't been a good day and I really just want to take a nap and pretend that none of this ever happened.

Sunshine

BYOC Holiday Version

2012-01-06T12:48:00.000-05:00

1. How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?

I made some resolutions but I didn't wait until New Years Day to start them. I think it is good to reevaluate your life at the end of a year and to aspire to change the things you don't like about your life. I have several changes on my list but I started the day after Christmas.

2. Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?

I put up one big Christmas tree. I don't have any others. We did put some icicle lights around the roof of our porch but that is about all we did besides the wreath on the door. We are planning to go all out next year. We started an account just for Christmas expenses. We took the tree down just a day or two after New Year's Day.

3. How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?

We were supposed to meet with Dail's mother and with my mother too but we cancelled both because I just wasn't up to dealing with the stress that always comes with seeing them.

4. What are you most looking forward to this year?

Spring and SUNSHINE! I can't wait to get back out in the sunshine and the warmer weather. My mood will greatly improve and I will find some happiness again.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland this week.

Real life has been up and down and somewhat stressful this week. I am holding on tightly to my stability. I am fighting depression and anxiety but that is normal for me for this time of year. Blog land has been great. I have had a lot of support from friends and I appreciate them greatly. I don't have a lot of real life friends as I don't get out much so I depend a lot on my online friends. They never let me down.

Sunshine

Getting Ready For Bed

2012-01-05T23:33:00.000-05:00

It has been a fairly long day and it is time to go to bed. I thought I would blog for just a few minutes before I turn off the light and the TV. Dail is sitting beside me, eating potato chips and tempting me beyond reason. I have already had more carbs than my plan allows so even a bite or two is not an option. I gave in to some cravings earlier but I don't intend to compound the mistake. I'm going to take my nighttime meds soon and then I will be in dreamland and can't be tempted.

I'm feeling better than I did earlier. I'm not as anxious and I was able to get my work done for class tonight. Just having Dail home makes me less anxious. However, he can't stay here and babysit me all day. He was pretty busy at work today so I didn't get to talk to him as much as usual. He will be going in early again tomorrow. There is a project he is working on there and I can't call him as often as I usually do. It is almost Saturday though and then I will be able really keep in touch with him. He wants us to go out tomorrow night. It should be fun. We are going to dinner and then to get groceries. I'm not sure whether or not Kailee and Mike will be with us or if it will just be Dail and Nick and myself. I guess I will find out tomorrow.

I'm finally getting sleepy so I should probably stop. Frasier is on and I am having trouble concentrating on blogging. However, I am too tired to really get what is going on. I hope everyone sleeps well.

Sunshine

Changes

2012-01-05T15:32:00.000-05:00

I think part of the reason I'm struggling with the exercise thing is that I'm making so many changes all at once. I am trying to control not just my food choices, but also my spending. We are trying to save some money back for some specific purposes and that means that I can't go out of control and buy everything I want anymore. Spending money and eating junk are stress relievers for me. Now that I don't have those, I have to find other ways of self soothing. All I have now is blogging and trying to stay busy. I also have school but it is a stress. If I can just get used to this new routine, it will be all right. Change is never easy and with my disorder, it is particularly difficult. It is a new year and it is time to make myself over into a healthier person both physically and mentally. This is a period of adjustment and it will be rough but I know if I can see it through to get to the other side, I will be better off in the long run.

In the middle of all this, I am trying to CONTROL MYSELF. My moods are swinging wildly and my thoughts race from one thing to the next when my disorder flares so it feels like everything in my life is out of control. Trying to get ANYTHING in control takes a major effort and it is exhausting. But that is what I have to do if I want to have anything approaching a normal life. I need to get back in therapy. That is something I will do as soon as we get our insurance cards. I will see Dr. G regularly. I will continue to take my medications. I will blog as often as I need to to relieve my stress. I will try harder to get moving in some way. I know I can do it if I can just breach the mental barriers.

Things have got to get better. I can't live like this forever.

Sunshine

A Little Anxious Today

2012-01-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little anxious so I thought I would blog. I've been out of caffeine for the last couple of days but found a box of caffeinated water mix today. I was falling asleep so easily this morning even after my Ritalin that I decided to have some caffeine. Now I am a little shaky and anxious. No particular reason but it helps me to be able to DO something so here I am with a blog update.

The scale was down two pounds this morning. I probably won't blog my weight every day as I'm sure I will be bouncing around a lot but it makes me feel better to see the scale moving down after seeing the difference between my new scale and my daughter's scale. I seem to be headed in the right direction. I'm hoping so anyway. The cravings and head hunger issues I was having a few days ago seem to be gone now. I still haven't breached the exercise gap though. We may be going out shopping tonight though and I will get in some walking then. If not, I will try to get on the treadmill. I don't know what is so hard for me about it. It is just a mind game I think. It feels like moving a mountain. A lot of tasks in my life feel like moving mountains and so much gets left undone. I have got to beat this thing so that I can have a more normal life.

Well, I need to get some more water in so I am going to stop now. This helped me to calm down a bit. I will check in on everyone as you blog. I wish everyone a good rest of the day.

Sunshine

10 Things Thursday: For Laura and For Myself

2012-01-05T09:25:00.000-05:00

Last week I just posted random info about me. Laura posted New Year's Resolutions on her blog today so I think I'm going to take a page from her and post 10 things I would like to change in the coming year.

1. Get my house CLEAN. It is a real bear pit an has been for a while. I just haven't had the energy to do it and it makes e and Dail both feel bad to see it in a mess. I need to set some rules for the kids about cleaning after themselves and then enforce the rules. This will be a priority.

2. Learn to work around my disorder. It is ruling my life right now and that is not a good thing. I need to accept my limitations and develop some peace of mind so that I can live a relatively normal life. The harder I fight the disorder the worse it is for me. I need to work with it and through it to be functional..

3. Finish the classes I started. I have two classes I need to complete before I can make an intelligent decision about dropping out. I need to finish the current class and then prepare myself for the next class so that I don't lose my financial aid and that way I can leave the door open to going back if I decide to.

4. Take better care of myself. My appearance has gone downhill with my mental stability. I haven't really dressed up or fixed my hair and makeup in quite a while. I was a real girly girl there for a while but now I just don't have the energy. I would like to get back to the place where I take pride in grooming and looking my best.

5.Make more effort with Nicholas. He is getting drawn more and more into a computer game and it isn't healthy for him. I hope to draw him out more and get him to go hiking and fishing with me and Dail when the weather is warmer. Nick needs the fresh air and exercise and I hope to get him to go on our camping trips with us.

6. Learn to fly fish.. I have never done fly fishing but it looks like fun and now that I have a fly rod I hope to put it to good use. I want to be able to fly fish like an expert and to catch trout in the national park using only flies.

7.Get outside every warm day. I have a new medicine I'm on that says for me not to be out in the sun but I want to be able to get outside anyway when the weather is warming. I will just have to invest in some sunscreen.

8.Get a book about Andy Kaufman and read about the REAL Andy. I loved his work, even his more offensive stuff with the wrestling. I just GOT him and I think it is a tragedy that he died so young. I would really like to know more about his life and relationships. His best friend, Bob Zmuda, wrote a biography and I hope to order it some time this year and read it.

9.Redevelop my faith in God. It has been lacking lately as I have been feeling all alone with my disorder but underneath, there is still a strong core of belief that I will be taken care of. I do have an attitude problem though. I am angry that I am being tested and tried by fire and I know the testing will continue until I learn the lesson. I just don't know what the lesson is and I'm at the end of my rope with the mental pain. I need to humble myself and accept what is. I guess I just haven't been ready to do that so far. I hope that this year, I will finally get through the trial and be at peace in my heart and mind again.

10. To become the active individual I know I was meant to be. I am entirely too sedentary. I need to be using my thinner self to get in shape. I just don't seem to have the drive and it is time to push myself a bit until I get there. My goal is to get back into hiking and to back country camping and to be an outdoors type woman for this year and all the years to come. I know that I have it in me. I just need to find a way to tap into it.

These are my 10 things. I hope they are all attainable.

Sunshine

It's Dark Out

2012-01-04T18:23:00.000-05:00

Dail is working late tonight and I am feeling a little unsettled so I thought I would blog a little. He doesn't usually have to work much past 6 but the company got a new server and he has to do some updates. I'm not sure what time he will be able to get home. He is going to pick up the stuff to make spaghetti for the family tonight. I'm going to have steak and mushrooms again. I could eat steak every day if I could afford it. I have been craving some scallops though. I might see about getting some when we get groceries this week. I must say that it can be expensive to do Atkins if you really use the variety of foods that are on the plan. Money has been tight since Christmas. Really it was tight before that, too. Kailee and Mike have not been able to pay their part on the bills. They have promised to make it up to us when they get their tax refunds. I hope they will. Anyway, it has been difficult up to this point to be able to get everything we need for Atkins. I think Dail and Nick and I could do it and maybe let Kailee and Mike do their own food. That will take some of the burden off of us and they can eat what they want.

It has been a little bit of a down and anxious day. School has me stressed because I really don't want to be there. I just don't care about getting my degree anymore. I just want to get through the days SANELY. But, I am between a rock and a hard place with school. If I don't finished this class and the next one. I will lose all the financial aid I have gotten so far and will owe a debt to the school as well as to the government loan place. I feel very PRESSURED to see it through and that is causing all kinds of anxiety. It is a vicious cycle. The stress makes my disorder flare and my disorder makes everything bigger and more stressful. There is no end to it.

I rescheduled my appointment with Dr. G for next Tuesday. She wasn't happy about me missing yesterday but I just couldn't go out. I will HAVE to go out next week.

Well, once again, I need to stop. I am depressing myself and probably all of you. I will be better when Dail gets home.

Sunshine

My New Scale

2012-01-04T13:25:00.000-05:00

Well, my new scale arrived and after the initial hustling around to find some batteries, I was able to weigh in. I'm a little upset by the weigh in as it is higher than I expected. It means that Saturday's weigh in on Bethany's scale was inaccurate. I haven't lost as much as I thought I had since last Monday. My weight today, after 3 bottles of water and some yogurt is 164. So, what to do now? After thinking about it for a while I decided to just start again from here. What counts now is where I go from here. My weight last Monday was 169 so I am still down several pounds since starting the Atkins plan so I shouldn't be too upset. It is a setback but not a true gain. Just a bad scale and some confusion. I was afraid this might happen when I realized my old scale was dying. I don't know how long it was misleading me about my true weight. All I know for sure is that my clothes are fitting better and I have been sticking to the plan so the weight should be coming off. I'm looking forward to weighing in tomorrow and hopefully seeing a lower number.

I never made it to the treadmill last night but I did make it into the tub for a long soak. Dail sat with me and we talked for a while. Later we had a "wrestling" match that Dail said I should count as my exercise for the day. What do you think? Does it count? Half an hour of serious cuddling is better than no exercise at all..:)

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with an update on the scale situation. I am a little discouraged but glad to have what seems to be an accurate working scale.

Sunshine

Good Dinner!

2012-01-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

I had pan-fried steak and mushrooms for dinner tonight. It was SO good. I LOVE the Atkins plan. Dail made dinner tonight and I appreciate him so much. He is playing WOW right now but in a little while we are going to the treadmill to get in some minutes and then I am going to get a good hot bath. It has been a couple of days as I have been down and out. I don't always take the best care of myself as staying calm sometimes take priority. The holidays inspired some panic attacks and I'm still recovering from that. I wish it was SPRING and the SUN was shining so I could feel better. The E2E challenge will hopefully help get me through the darkest months of the winter. It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was supposed to see Dr. G today but Kailee went to Gatlinburg early this morning so I didn't have a ride. I called and cancelled but I haven't heard back from Dr. G yet. I will reschedule for next week if she has a time available. I missed seeing her though and I feel very much on my own dealing with my Schizoaffective Disorder.

I have a couple of questions for Anne, too. Anne, I hope you come by tonight. I am wondering if my carbs can be too low and what happens if they are too low. I have almost no energy and I was certainly panicky today. I just didn't feel well but this evening I realized I had had virtually no carbs today. I rectified the situation as soon as I realized and I'm feeling better. Anyway, I'm just wondering what happens if I go too low carb.

I will stop with this. Thanks to everyone who came to encourage me to move. I need to get moving for sure.

Sunshine

Eve 2 Easter Challenge Midweek Update #1

2012-01-03T13:00:00.001-05:00

Well, challengers... so far, so good. I have been on plan for over a week now and am according to my calculations I'm down 11 pounds since I started my low carb plan last Monday and I'm down about 3 pounds since Saturday when I started the challenge. My unofficial weigh in today is 158. I have no idea if this is completely accurate. My deceased scale has temporarily resurrected, as in it is showing numbers now, but I have no way of knowing how accurate it is. My new scale will be here tomorrow and I will post that weight no matter what it is and I will start fresh with a new scale. Hopefully, it won't be too far off either way. All I can say for sure is that I SHOULD be losing as I am sticking to the Atkins plan religiously. I have maintained my limit of 40 grams of carbs per day. I will sat though that my appetite is way down and it is possible that I am not getting enough calories. I need to log everything and that will be my goal for the next week.

I have been lax on the exercise front too. I am hoping some of you can get my but in gear for me. I just don't feel like doing anything with the depression and all. I know that exercise will help my depression but taking that first step to GET UP is proving difficult.

My water is good. I'm getting in more than my goal of 6 bottle of water a day. I feel good and hydrated.

I have been around to several blog to offer support. Many people have stopped by here too and I appreciate all the concern and advice. It really does help to have friends who are cheering you on.

I'm still reading chapter 2 of Living Low Carb and it is giving the specifics of why low carb diets work when others do not. It is talking about the dangers of insulin and insulin resistance and how too much insulin (caused by consuming too many carbs) can cause high cholesterol and high triglycerides and lead to heartt disease, hypertension, and diabetes. FAT has taken the blame for these ailments but there is evidence to show that CARBS are the real danger. It is an interesting and informative chapter. I can't wait to get through more of it.

I guess this is all for my midweek update. I will post a new weight tomorrow when my new scale arrives.

Sunshine

ETA: Challenge Quotes

"Dare you to move, dare you to move. Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

Pretty, White, Fluffy Stuff

2012-01-03T12:15:00.000-05:00

Yes. We got a little snow here last night. Not much. Just enough to be pretty. There is a little ice on the roads in our subdivision though and Kailee passed a truck this morning that was head first in a ditch. People just can't seem to drive anymore on snow or ice. People with trucks are particularly ignorant and think they are invincible. That is why every winter we see all kinds of 4 wheel drives in the ditches or crashed into each other. It only takes a little common sense to drive on snow and ice but the redneck atmosphere here is too much for some people and they have to get out and try to show off their superior driving skills. LOL. We always just take out time and wave as we drive by them.

Anyway, I'm pleased to see the white stuff. The sun is out now though so the snow won't last long now. It is only a couple of inches. It is FREEZING outside though so I won't be going out. I called and canceled my appointment with Dr. G. I'm not sure if she was able to get out or not. She lives in Knoxville and it is quite a drive up from there.

Getting ready to have some scrambled eggs for breakfast. Sounds good to me. I have only had an Atkins bar so far. It was good but I want to warm, rib-sticking food. I love eggs. I will add some bacon to them later.

It feels odd not to be able to weigh. My old scale is showing some signs of life now but I can't trust the numbers on it. My new one should be here sometimes in the morning. I will have to start my new weigh in numbers from there. I hope it will show me close to where I started on Bethany's scale. Shortly after the weigh in, Bethany's scale went wonky too and she has just bought herself a new one. She will probably blog about it later. She is at work right now.

I hope everyone is having a nice day.

Sunshine

Satiated But Psychologically STARVING

2012-01-02T22:13:00.000-05:00

Can any of you relate to this? I haven't had a lot of food today. I have food in the house that is okay with my plan. When I take a bite of it, I don't want it. But my mind is telling me that I need some crackers or some bread or some pasta. I'm not hungry but I'm STARVING. It makes absolutely no sense. This is why people can't stop eating junk food. It is addictive not just physically, but MENTALLY as well. How do you FIX YOUR HEAD when it is broken? I've stopped the madness. I've stopped the crazy eating. How do I stop my mind from craving the junk? How do you stop hunger that isn't really hunger? What fills the void? I appreciate all thoughts and suggestions on this. I am really struggling tonight. I want to eat but I can't eat what I'm allowed to have. It is driving me nuts.

Sunshine

Dinner Is Started

2012-01-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

I am starving for some real food this evening. I need some dense protein and not just eggs and protein shakes. I adore bacon but it is hard to live on it. Tonight, Dail and I are making low carb meatloaf. It has 2 pounds of ground chuck, 1 pound of pork sausage, a couple of eggs, onions, celery, worcestershire sauce and some other varied seasonings. No bread crumbs or other starches. We will bake it up right and serve it with brussels sprouts sauteed in olive oil and Balsamic Vinegar, a recipe I STOLE from Anne at Carb Tripper. If you haven't tried sauteing vegetables in olive oil and Balsamic Vinegar (with some Mrs. Dash for good measure) you are missing a real treat.

It has been an odd day with Dail off from work and us not going anywhere. Dail was so tired out that he just decided to chill for today. He rarely gets a break like this and besides, it is a little too cold for hiking. In fact, it is snowing in the mountains and Gatlinburg right now. Too cold to be out tramping through the woods. It is supposed to warm up later in the week though so maybe we can go hiking next weekend.

I don't feel good about doing nothing today. I will be glad when things get back to normal tomorrow. Truth be told, I'm a little anxious this evening and need to take some Thorazine. It is just the strain of the holiday I'm sure. School also started back today and I haven't even looked at my homework. Kailee is asking me to help her with hers too. I guess I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I will talk to Dail about it when he isn't busy and I know he will be able to help me see everything from a more positive light. The depression clouds my thoughts sometimes and I just have to shake myself out of it. It is dreary out today. I'm sure that is affecting my mood.

I' going to stop now and just breathe in the smell of that meatloaf cooking.

Sunshine

Flying Blind

2012-01-02T10:16:00.000-05:00

So, I am in an uncomfortable position. I'm without a scale. Bethany took hers back to her place so that her husband could weigh in. He is going to follow our plan too. This is fine but I am uncomfortable not having a scale to weigh in on. My old scale and semi-revived but it isn't accurate now. It is just old I guess. It is weight very heavy at times and very light at other times. I just can't trust it so I don't know what I'm weighing in at today. My new one will be here on Wednesday and I'm looking forward to getting it but I'm also worried that it may show that my old scale has been inaccurate for a while and my weight may be really higher than I think it is. I just don't know and won't know until the scale gets here. I should probably go in to my doctor and get a weigh in but his scale is a couple of pounds heavier than mine and he says it weighs heavy so it may not be accurate either. I think that I will have no choice but to log my weight on the new scale, whatever it is and then go from them. I hope it won't be a lot higher than my last reading. That would be very discouraging but I will have to trust the scale, I know.

I stuck completely to the plan yesterday and so I should have seen a little bit of a loss today but there is no way to know for sure. All I can do is stick with it and hope for the best when the scale gets here. I find that my appetite is almost gone. I don't experience real hunger like I did. No real cravings, but I do experience head hunger and psychologically, I miss the junk food. So far, I have been able to control this but I worry that in a vulnerable moment I may be tempted by some junk. Yesterday, I really want some of Dail's cookies but I managed to avoid having any. It was a difficult day because I didn't have enough to do to keep me from wanting to EAT FROM BOREDOM. So many times, I eat because there is nothing else to do. I really need to find something to keep me occupied. Today, I'm going to get back into reading my challenge books. Dail and I may go hiking later but I'm not counting on it because he is exhausted. We we up until 3 am watching the Star Wars movies. He rarely gets a break like this. He might want to just rest again today. Truth be told, I don't feel like getting dressed and going out either.

It seems like everyone is doing well so far. I hope we all continue to stick to our plans to get healthy during 2012. I appreciate Mir for starting the E2E challenge and I'm glad to be a part of it.

Sunshine

A Rant For The New Year

2012-01-01T20:45:00.000-05:00

Yes. I am having a tantrum again. No. I can't help myself. Yes. It is a holiday and I should peace out. That is exactly the problem. It IS a holiday but for some reason Dail's boss thinks he should be on call 24/7. There is no real emergency, ONE of the MANY bosses downloaded some spyware onto his home computer. It is one of those bugs that tries to get you to buy the removal software from the company to get rid of it. Typical beginner crap for those who are familiar with the internet. Dail is off today and tomorrow from work. He has very few days off so when this boss called this evening, I lost my cool. They take Dail so much for granted that it makes me crazy. I wish they wouldn't just ASSUME that he has nothing better to do in his off time but cater to their every whim. It really upset me to have our evening interrupted by the phone call and there was nothing Dail could do anyway. I really wish they appreciated him a bit more than they do. I wish they would wait until he is in the office to call about their problems. They have no respect at all for his private life, or for mine. Grr.

Rant Over.

Sunshine

Happy New Year!!!!

2012-01-01T00:22:00.000-05:00

Dail and I saw the new year in with Dick Clark. Now we are chilling out and watching movies. I had my protein shake with a little coconut rum. I had some summer sausage and some cheese. I had ONE cookie. No. I shouldn't have. Yes. It was stupid. No. It probably didn't do much damage. Everything but the cookie was on plan. Tomorrow is already here, technically, and I wish everyone a good day. I hope each and every one of you achieve all your goals and reach for all your dreams this year. I hope it will be a magical and blessed year for all of us.

Peace.
Sunshine

Celebrating The Eve

2011-12-31T17:01:00.000-05:00

I'm two pounds down today, according to Bethany's scale. I believe it is accurate because a couple of weeks back she weighed the same on my scale as she had weighed on hers the same morning. She left her scale here for a few days until my new one gets here because she knows that I am just COMPELLED to weigh in every morning. I know Dr. Atkins says not to but sometimes the number on the scale can cause me to rethink some choices in a good way. I like the reassurance I get from the scale and I don't overreact when I'm up or down just a little. It helps keep me accountable too.

My plan for the evening is in place. The boys are having frozen pizza for dinner. We are staying in. Bethany and I went to the liquor store for some supplies but there will be no heavy duty partying here tonight. Or any other night. We just don't get into that, really. I have some coconut rum for myself. I will make a protein shake with Caribbean Cooler protein and Almond Breeze Almond Milk and will then add about a shot of rum. That will be the extent of my drinking this evening. I don't do much alcohol because of my surgery and because of my psych meds. Those things just don't go together.

I also have some Beef Summer Sausage and a couple of cheese balls. I will spread the cheese on top of the summer sausage and that will be my dinner and my snacks for the night. I also have some pork skins, the old Atkins favorite. Dail and Nick will be having Breton Crackers with their meat and cheese and will also have a package of Pepperidge Farm's cookies and some Chex Mix. I will do my best to ignore all that bad stuff. It will be tough. I won't lie. I love those Pepperidge Farm's cookies but I have almost 6 days under my belt off the carbs and I don't want to blow it. I don't plan to make any concessions just because it is a holiday. I can enjoy it just as much without all the carbs. I sound like I'm trying to convince myself, don't I? Well, you are on to me. I am. But that is what this blog is for. It is for me to talk myself out of bad choices and into staying on plan.

I wish all of you a Happy New Year. Take care and be safe tonight.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Initial Post With Goals and Stats

2011-12-31T09:00:00.003-05:00

Hi! Welcome to my very first E2E Challenge Post! I am very excited about this challenge and I hope it brings all of us much success. I am hoping to get to know all of you better and that we can all learn a little something about ourselves as we go through the process of losing weight and getting healthy. The following are my statistics:

Weight:164 ***This number was edited because my new scale weighed me heavier than my initial weigh in.
Waist: 34 1/2 inches
Hips: 45 inches
Bust: 38 inches

My Goals

I would like to comfortably wear the clothes that I chose for the challenge. (Photos will follow)
I would like to begin an exercise program with doing SOMETHING 3 days and week and increasing to 3 days of cardio per week and two days of weight training by the end of the challenge.
I would like to be able to hike 3 miles with a full backpack without stopping to rest.
I want to drop several inches around my waist and hips.
I want to lose at least 10 pounds by the end of the challenge.
I want to read something from one of my chosen books every day
I want to get in 6-- 16.9 oz bottles of water every day
I want to keep my carb count below 40 grams until the end of the challenge.
I want to encourage 3 challengers on their blogs every day
I want to encourage my buddy every day so that we both see the challenge through to the end.
I vow to STICK WITH THIS CHALLENGE. I WONT QUIT.

I have a couple of quotes that I would like to share: The first one is from my personal theme song.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot

If you know anything about me then you will know why this song appeals to me so much. I spend a lot of time on the floor emotionally.

The second is from another favorite song and I feel it is so true.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

It is easy to get bogged down with worries about the future and forget to enjoy the moment. Don't forget to live in the moment and enjoy each one as if it were your last.

Here are my challenge dresses.

Sorry the photos are blurry but as you can see, the skirt is skin tight and I can barely get it zipped. I want to be able to wear it comfortably by the end of the challenge. It is hardest to lose around my abdomen as that is where I have always carried most of my weight but hopefully, some weight training and core strengthening will help.

I will be adding another dress that is a size 10 just as soon as I can get photos that aren't sideways. I can't seem to get them right side up. I will work on them and edit this post as needed.

My Books

Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution by Robert Atkins

Living Low Carb by Jonny Bowden

Mindful Eating: A Guide To Rediscovering a Healthy and Joyful Relationship With Food by Jan Chozen Bays

All of these books are available at Amazon.

I will be using a low carb diet plan. I won't be counting calories but I will be counting carb grams. I will be staying under 40 grams per day for the duration of the challenge. If for some reason my weight changes for the better or worse too rapidly, I will change the amount of carbs I consume.

Thanks to all who are reading here. I wish us all the best of luck.

Sunshine

ETA: Second Challenge Dress

This is an Evan Picone Geo Stripe Dress in size 10. I would like to be able to wear it with smooth lines and no bulges. You can see that it is skin tight, especially across the belly. I want to wear this and look GOOD.

Sunshine

It's GONE :(

2011-12-30T21:21:00.000-05:00

My scale has gone to wherever broken scales go to. I have ordered a new one but it won't be here until Tuesday or Wednesday. In the meantime, I will use Bethany's scale. It will be VERY HARD for me not to be able to weigh any time I feel like it. I actually had a panic attack when I realized my scale is gone for good. Hopefully, I can make it through to tomorrow morning when Bethany brings her scale over and we do our weigh ins and measurements. I'm very down after being so excited about the challenge. I need to get myself out of this funk and regain my enthusiasm. Damn, I loved that scale. We have been through a lot of ups and downs together.

Sunshine

Rest In Peace Little Scale (Or Battery)

2011-12-30T17:01:00.000-05:00

My scale has expired. Or the battery has. It went all wonky first, weighing me much more and then much less than it weighed me first thing this morning. Then it just died. I have Bethany picking up a battery for me on her way here tonight. I hope that will take care of it as I can't afford to buy a new scale right now. This would have to happen on the Eve of the Eve to Easter Challenge. I have a back up plan though, just in case. Bethany has a scale and she can bring hers over for me to use until I can get a new one if the battery doesn't work. Sigh. I am all tired out now.

I am excited to see so many challengers posting their goals. It makes me not want to wait until tomorrow. I may go with this morning's weight and post my initial posting tonight. I'm just too excited to wait until tomorrow. Then tomorrow, I can help Bethany create her initial post. Lots of fun during the next few days.

Sunshine

The Plan For Tomorrow Night

2011-12-30T12:36:00.000-05:00

I am planning to have as good a New's Eve as I can without blowing my plan. I have discovered that beef summer sausage has very few carbs and some full fat cheese, eaten in moderation, will complement that. I also plan to have a couple of cocktails but I am watching my carbs very closely. My favorite drink is a Malibu Breeze but I will have to modify it to suit my plan. Instead of pineapple juice, I will use Orange Early Rise water mix from Walmart and mix in a little coconut rum. Alcohol affects me strongly so I will be mixing the drinks very weak anyway. I don't know how these will taste but I am not giving up the plan even for one night just for a couple of drinks. If it tastes horrible, I will pour it out. What are you doing for New Year's Eve? Do you have plans to go out or are you staying home to celebrate in comfort? If you are in the E to E challenge are you starting on New Year's Eve or are you giving yourself freedom for that one day? If you are going out, where are you going? We will be staying home and probably staying up late that night. Dail is off on Sunday and Monday. I'm sure he will sleep all day on Sunday but on Monday we might go out hiking or something. I'm dying to try out my new pack.

I think it is very important to plan ahead for occasions where there will be temptations. Dail will be bringing home some more Breton Crackers and some cookies, I'm sure. It will be tempting but with almost a week under my belt off the carbs I think I might be strong enough now to say "no".It is easier to avoid the temptations, the longer you go without giving in. I'm still a newbie right now and very fallible but I have high hopes that I can manage the holiday without breaking my plan.

Sunshine

Back In The Losing Game

2011-12-30T08:56:00.000-05:00

The scale was back down to 162 today so I have a loss of 7 pounds since I started low carbinig on Monday. I expect this loss will continue at a steady rate as long as I keep my carbs in a low range. I'm not doing true Induction but more a modified OWL induction. I getting less than 40 carbs per day and that seems to be my sweet spot now that I have adjusted. I feel better already, with less brain fog and less listlessness.As soon as I fully adjust, I hope to get into some kind of exercise program.

Tomorrow will be a busy day as I prepare for Mir's Eve To Easter Challenge. I can't wait. I'm going to wait until tomorrow though to weigh in and take my measurements. I want all my information to be as current as possible. Bethany is doing the challenge too and she will be coming over tomorrow to get her information posted. We also have a project we are working on for one of the classes we have in common. W will take our before photos and I will show her how to update her blog. I'm really looking forward to it. I can't wait to get started.

Well, I'm still waking up and am having trouble typing so I'm going to stop now. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Wish us luck on the challenge. I hope to be there for all of you to lend support and encouragement.

Sunshine

Bethany Is Back

2011-12-29T23:36:00.000-05:00

My daughter, Bethany is back in blog land and she is going to be joining me and a few others for Princess Dieter's Eve to Easter Challenge. Bethany will be reopening her blog and you can visit her at Bethany's Journey. She will also be using the Atkins low carb plan and together we hope to get to a healthier place by Easter. If you get a chance, stop by and say "hi" to her. She has been away for a while but now things are coming back together. Wish her well. :)

Sunshine

10 Things Thursday- In Honor of Laura Belle

2011-12-29T20:44:00.000-05:00

1. Yes. I know I am posting for the umpteenth time today. No. I can't help myself. Yes. I know most of my posts are boring. Such is my life.

2. My kittens are tearing down the fricking house. Today they tore down the living room curtains. As in CLIMBED them until the rod broke and the curtains fell to the floor. They tore down my bedroom curtains just before Christmas. We have three curtain rods to replace. I adore them but they are making me NUTS. Bramble and Dumbledore (Once called Diamond) are little hellions when they get going. I don't know how we are going to manage the repairs come spring. They are also shredding the wallpaper that I put up last year. I need some of that stuff that keeps cats from scratching on the walls and stuff. Remind me to buy some of that.

3. Dail is finally getting a new company car. The good news is that it is in much better shape than our current one. The bad news is that it is just as old as the one we have now. They are having the seats reupholstered and once the insurance and title have been transferred, the car will be ours. Sort of. It will be in our name but the company will still do the repairs and pay for the gas. They do this so that other employees can't gripe about Dail using the car to drive us around wherever we need to go. We don't have a car that is really ours at the moment.

4. Dail is watching an old movie right now called "IQ" with Meg Ryan and Tim Robbins and it is about to drive me crazy. I'm having trouble sitting still for it and wish he would turn it down.

5. That last Ritalin was a bad idea. I'm feeling a little agitated and irritable.

6. I need to have my nails done this Saturday but I'm going to have to wait a week for financial reasons. Dail and I are haggling over the budget regarding whether or not nails are a necessity. It really makes me feel good about myself to have them done so I'm hoping I will win out on this one.

7. Dail is eating a Marie Callender's Pot Pie right in front of me. I am feeling strong though and it is not tempting me. I love the beef pot pies but they are loaded with carbs. Those are part of the past. I will have to come up with a low carb alternative someday.

8. I got a pink spinning rod and a pink fly rod for Christmas. Most women would hate getting things like this for Christmas but they are two of my favorite gifts. Actually, I loved everything I got. I was blessed this year. I'm going to use my pink fly rod to fish for rainbow trout in the national park. When and if I catch any, I will bring them home and fry them up for dinner.

9. I'm wearing my new base wear underthings right now. It is chilly in my house in spite of the fact that the thermostat is on 70 degree. It is frequently cold in here. I need some blankets. For some reason, I am colder when I am laying off the carbs. Eating carbs raises my body temperature.

10. I didn't get in any exercise today except for a little walking. I need to rectify this tomorrow. I HAVE to move. I just can't get myself to get up and do it. I spend too much time in bed just trying to get through the day. It is time to get hard on myself and just GET UP.

Sunshine

I'm Going To Kill Kailee

2011-12-29T18:56:00.000-05:00

She is in the kitchen baking something that smells like cookies or brownies and it is driving me MAD. I AM NOT going into the kitchen. I hate when they do this to me. I guess I haven't been off carbs long enough that they don't still have some allure. Ahhh. It is cinnamon rolls. I knew it was something scrumptious. Just for this I'm going to let her prepare my dinner tonight. I'm having bacon and fried eggs. I will not go in there and see all those cinnamon rolls on the pan. I will never forget the first time I had a dumping episode after my surgery. I was about a year out and Bethany came by with HOT KRISPY KREME donuts. I wolfed down two before I was even really awake to know what I was doing. I spent the rest of that day paying homage to the bathroom throne. I'm telling you, CARBS ARE THE DEVIL. Especially for people like me with insulin issues.

BTW Dail found the Almond Breeze Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk at Kroger. I will use it from now on. I'm going to keep the carbs pretty low until I reach my goal. Thanks everyone who offered ideas and suggestions. They were all very helpful and I appreciate you.

Sunshine

Question For Anne H at Carb Tripper

2011-12-29T16:46:00.000-05:00

I am posting this here on my blog instead of on Facebook because I know there may be other people who would like to know the answer to my question. I know I am not the only one who is following a low carb plan so I want to share as much information as I can while I'm learning it. Anne, I want to ask about carb servings. One serving is 15 grams of carbs. Is that too much for one sitting on the Atkins Plan? I don't want to cause an insulin spike and sabotage my weight loss. I usually have a protein shake every day and I mix it with 8 oz of Almond Milk. The protein has about 4 net carbs too. The Almond Milk has 15 carbs. Am I setting myself up for continued carb cravings if I continue my shake? Do you have any suggestions about how to modify the shake so that I can still get my protein in? I know Atkins isn't all about protein but I need to reach a certain number every day because of my surgery. Any help you have to give would be greatly appreciated!

Sunshine

A. OK

2011-12-29T14:17:00.000-05:00

I got two thumbs up from my doctor today about doing the Atkins Plan. It really isn't much different than what I did to lose 180 pounds after my surgery. It is just a little more carb restrictive. However, after the initial bump in the road, I am now doing fine and feeling good and energetic. My MD's nurse told me that I dropped too low too suddenly and that is why I was dizzy. No dizziness today and I am right on track. I didn't get to eat breakfast as I was out and about having blood drawn etc but Dail took us to Texas Roadhouse for Lunch. I ordered the Roadkill which is chopped steak smothered in onions, mushrooms and Monterrey Jack cheese. It is WONDERFUL. High in fat and calories and minimal carbs. I managed to eat about half and brought the rest home. I also ordered a side salad with ranch on the side, I'm not sure about the carb count for ranch so I went easy on the dressing. I also had green beans but am a little leary of them because I don't know if there are added carbs for flavoring. The meat was yummy so I focused mostly on that. I feel very satisfied and am having no cravings.

It is a sunny day here but pretty cold. I went out without my gloves and was heartily sorry, I need to track them down. I just got them for Christmas but they should be with my other things. It is a mess around here since the opening of the gifts. Time to get organized and take the tree down etc. Maybe we can get to it next week.

I'm getting ready to read more of "Living Low Carb". I have been alternating between it and Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution. They seem to complement each other. Anyway, I am sold on low carbing and intend to arm myself tonight at the grocery store with all the things I will need. I'm working on a list to help me remember everything. I must be getting old. My memory is going.

I'm going to stop now but I will be around to catch up with everyone until this evening. Then we will be going out, unless there is a change of plans. Dail is awfully tired and he may opt to stay in tonight.

Sunshine

Tired This Morning

2011-12-29T09:26:00.000-05:00

Dail and I stayed up late last night watching The Adjustment Bureau. Well... he watching and I surfed the net and blogged. It was not my cup of tea until I saw the ending and now I will have to go back and watch it to get the key points. Anyway, we were up too late and now my ass is dragging today. I slept through my alarm and almost missed my first dose of Ritalin. I have finally taken it and hope it kicks in soon. I could use a burst of energy.

I have things to do today. I will have to go see Dr. B for a Lithium level. I won't actually have to see him, but just let his lab draw the blood. It shouldn't take more than a few minutes. Then later on, Dail and I will be going out to dinner and grocery shopping as the budget allows. Our overspending on Christmas is catching up to us and this is mortgage week for us. Hopefully, we can struggle through the next couple of weeks and do some budgeting to get back on track. Next week things will look brighter. We have been struggling so much because Kailee and Mike have no been able to pay their share of the bills in a while.I hope next month they will be able to help more. Neither of them is getting as many hours as before and they have car payment and insurance to worry about. I keep hoping things will get better for all of us.

My weight is back up exactly a pound today. I guess the salt did the trick and I have regained some water. I will be more careful until my body gets used to the plan. I'm going to keep my carbs around 40 grams a day. I think that should be about right to start with. I said yesterday that I was doing induction but actually I'm doing the OWL phase as far as what I'm allowing myself to have. I have gotten further through the book and think it is unnecessary for me to do induction as I only have about 20 pounds to lose and my body seems sensitive to the changes I've made so far. I believe the OWL phase will work well for me and will get me where I want to be.

I'm going to be posting my challenge information soon. Mir has up the challenge blog and is ready for us to begin. I may be back later to get all that information up. In the meantime, have a wonderful day.'

Sunshine

Late Night Post

2011-12-28T22:59:00.000-05:00

I've just been surfing around tonight and kinda watching television a little bit. Dail and Nicholas went bowling and so I was on my own for a while. I'm still feeling okay. Just a little tired. I will be going to bed soon but decided to blog one more time. Had one bad thing happen this evening. My contacts got so dried out I couldn't keep them in and rewetting them didn't help. I had to throw them away and it was my last pair. I will have to wear my glasses now until I can afford the contact exam. Not a great tragedy but inconvenient. I love my contacts and my glasses get on my nerves. I also had some anxious moments tonight. It was right after I took my last dose of Ritalin. I'm thinking my energy level is up with the lack of carbs and now I can cut back on the Ritalin. Tomorrow, I'm going to leave off the last dose or two and see how I do. Dr. G has been wanting me to cut back anyway.

To anyone interested in the Atkins Plan: I found their website tonight and there is all kinds of free stuff you can sign up for. There is a carb counter and a meal planner, water tracker. They send you free Atkins bars and a carb counter plus coupons and rebates etc. If you are interested in low carbing, it is well worth checking out. It is all FREE. It has been years since I visited the site but it is much more user friendly now. I will be logging my carbs over there starting tomorrow. I want to make sure I'm staying under 40 grams per day.

Just a couple of days to the E to E Challenge. I'm SO excited. I can't wait until Saturday. I will be up bright and early that day, weighing in, measuring myself, and having photos made of me with my challenge clothes. I have a suit, a dress, and a pair of dress slacks. The suit fits but the skirt is very tight. I need to lose some inches around the waist and hips. The dress is too tight all over even though I can get it on. I want it to fit loosely and look decent and not hug every bulge I have. The pants are too small and I can't get them buttoned. I want to be able to wear them comfortably. All the problems and bulges with these outfits are around my waist and hips. Those are my problem areas. I need to lose some inches and tighten up some loose skin around my abdomen. Anyway, I can't wait. I wish it were starting tomorrow.

I guess I'm getting tired now so I'm going to stop. I hope tomorrow brings good news and more energy. It was a good day and I stayed on plan. Let's have another day like this one.

Sunshine

Thanks... Feeling Better

2011-12-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

I haven't heard back from my doctor yet but I'm feeling better after adding some sodium to my plan. I had a half a cup of salty buillon plus about a cup of Powerade Zero for electrolytes. I had forgotten that Atkins sometimes has a diuretic effect. It has been years since I followed Atkins to the letter. I was on a modified Atkins after my weight loss surgery but as soon as I added more carbs back to my diet, I started seeing a regain. I want those pounds off again NOW and low carbing is the only way that works for me. I know some of you will say that the gastric bypass diet is not low carb but that statement is not always true. My nutritionist allowed me up to 100 grams per day but I thought that was too much. During the weight loss phase after my surgery when I had the best results, I was keeping my carbs under 60 grams per day. Whenever I got lax and added carbs into the plan, I would see a stall or a gain. I only lose consistently when I low carb. Today took me by surprise but it is expected that there will be some effects when going from almost all carbs to almost no carbs. I have stayed under 40 grams today and that is my goal for the time being. I'm not going to count calories and other than allowing myself 40 grams instead of 20 grams, I will be following Atkins Induction. I will also allow myself some of food allowed in the next stage but will still maintain the 40 gram carb limit. I hope that makes sense. Tomorrow will be for grocery shopping and I will stock up on the necessities. I will post again in the morning and report on my progress. I didn't get my walking in today but I am just BEAT today. Tomorrow I will start with some sodium and get plenty of water.

Thanks to everyone who came by with help and hints. I appreciate it very much.

Sunshine

A Little Concerned

2011-12-28T12:23:00.000-05:00

While I am ecstatic about losing 7 pounds during the last two days, I am also a little concerned. I believe that most of this was water weight and that this can happen when you first start a new plan but I am also having some symptoms and dizziness. I have been drinking plenty of fluids but am also peeing excessively. I haven't restricted my sodium intentionally or anything like that but I have avoided salty and sweet carbs of all kinds. What worries me is the dizziness. It hits me whenever I stand up and it feels like pressure in my head and I sometimes I just have to stop and lie down right where I am. I noticed last night that is was worse when I was taking in less fluids. I am wondering if I am peeing more than I'm drinking and getting dehydrated. Lithium can cause Diabetes Insipidus, which isn't true diabetes in that it doesn't cause elevated blood sugar but it has the effect of causing the body to lose water rapidly. Normally I get in plenty of water so I haven't had any symptoms for a while, but last night I decided to stop drinking around 6 pm or so so that I wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom. By 10 pm I was dizzy and felt like I would pass out. I immediately mixed some water and after a couple of bottles, I felt better. I just wonder how much of this is related to the new plan or if maybe I'm having an issue with the Lithium. I'm going in to see Dr. B tomorrow for a Lithium level.

I'm curious to know from any of you who are low carbing, did you lose a lot of water weight at first? Is this just part of low carbing? Any suggestions about the recommended fluid intake when doing Atkins? I'm working on the book but haven't gotten to the specifics yet.

Thanks.

Sunshine

Yay For Low Carb

2011-12-28T08:18:00.000-05:00

I a down 7 pounds since I started low carbing on Monday.The scale was at 162 today. I know it is mostly water weight as I have been drinking a lot of water and peeing a lot but still, I think the loss is remarkable. Now I just have to take one day at a time and continue with the program. I'm planning to go all out with this and see how quickly I can get back to my goal weight. Actually, I'm below my original goal weight right now and am at a normal weight for my height. I could stop here but I won't. I want to be as healthy and in shape as possible and so I will continue on this plan for good and will let my weight get down to where it wants to be within a healthy range, of course. I am excited about the challenge and feel that I am already on my way. I will be happy to start the challenge a few pounds lighter and a few inches smaller. I will take new photos of the challenge outfits on Saturday and will post them with my challenge check in. I'm looking forward to seeing if there is any change in how they fit by the time Saturday gets here.

Wish me luck. I wish the same to all of you.

Sunshine

A Third Book!

2011-12-27T21:31:00.000-05:00

I had not planned on this but the "Living Low Carb" book, plus my friend, Anne over at Carb Tripper have inspired me to get back with the low carb program. We all know who the guru of low carb is: ATKINS. Anne suggested I get the book and get going on it so I have downloaded it onto my Kindle for PC and will actively be following the plan. I've been low carbing the last couple of days anyway so it won't be a big change. There will just be some more specific guidelines from here on out. I will also be reviewing the book for the challenge. It is "Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution". I'm sure many of you are familiar with it but I am going to approach as a newbie.

Sunshine

Another Good Day

2011-12-27T19:13:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to check in and say that I was able to stay on plan all day. The scale was down almost 3 pounds this morning and though I know it is probably water weight, I am relieved to see the scale moving in the right direction. I haven't managed my weight or core work yet but as soon as my dinner digests, I will get to it. I've spent a lot of time reading today and trying to share information. It is difficult when I am having trouble retaining what I read. Hopefully, my last few posts have made sense. I am hoping to get better at reporting on what I read. I know the challenge doesn't officially start until Saturday but I want to be ready and working toward the goals that I have set for myself.

I hope everyone has a nice evening.

Sunshine

The Second Book

2011-12-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I've gotten through the first chapter of the second challenge book. It is called "Mindful Eating: A Guide To Rediscovering a Healthy and Joyful Relationship With Food" by Jan Chozen Bays MD. I'm not too overly impressed so far. There have been a couple of red flags already about how food is food is food and there is no right or wrong foods, just MINDFUL EATING or MINDLESS EATING. This sticks in my craw a little because there is no doubt that some foods are healthier than others. I guess the jury is still out on what constitutes a healthy meal plan but I think we would all agree that Twinkies shouldn't be one of the food groups. Right now, I am in the low carb camp. I don't think carbohydrates offer anything of value nutritionally so I am boycotting them in favor of meat and animal fats. It really flies in the face of everything I know to think that there are no wrong food choices. I am in favor of enjoying your food by being mindful while you eat, savor it and enjoy it and be satisfied with the experience of eating, but to do it without thought to the consequences of your choices just doesn't seem rational to me. So, I am going to keep reading the book for a while to see if there is anything much of value to me but the first chapter kind of turned me off. More as I go along.

Sunshine

Book Review-Living Low Carb-Chapter 1

2011-12-27T13:36:00.000-05:00

Long before Atkins, there were several interesting developments in the medical community regarding low carb eating. In fact, the first recorded study was done in 1864. He was an obese undertaker who was able to lose a massive amount of weight on a low carb, high fat program. He not only lost weight, but saw an improvement in his overall health and the resolution of many medical problems. His plan was unorthodox for the time but it was very effective. Since then, there have been several other pioneers who have found that low carb high fat diets are the way to good health for them. His name was William Banting and he eliminated the following from his diet : milk, sugar, beer, potatoes, and pastry. He allowed himself of only 3 ounces of bread a day. His diet mostly consisted of bacon, kidney, fish, poultry, game, non-starchy vegetables, and a lot of alcohol. He did like to drink. Not long after his book came out a whole new idea was presented to the world about calories. It was said that "a calorie is a calorie is a calorie." The emphasis was placed on weight gain occurring when too many calories of any kind are consumed. Some small studies though showed that it wasn't the amount of calories that mattered but what those calories came from. Calorie counting plans took off with a vengeance but the country was still getting fatter. The success that was expected to happen with calorie counting just didn't materialize. A few people began to question this latest science and began to look at carbohydrates and fats. The book really goes into more detail about individual studies than I have time to do here but I highly suggest this book to anyone with insulin issues. I am just getting started into the book but it is very exciting. Hopefully, as I go through it I will be able to retain more of what I am reading so I can give a better report. Here is a quotation from the first chapter.

"Of the twenty men and women taking part in the test, all lost weight on a diet in which the total calorie intake was unrestricted. The basic diet totaled about 3000 calories per day, but meat and fat in any amount were allowed those who wanted to eat still more. The dieters reported that they felt well, enjoyed their meals and were never hungry between meals. Many said they felt more energetic than usual; none complained of fatigue. Those who had high blood pressure to begin with [no longer did]. The 20 obese individuals lost an average of 22 pounds each, in and average time of 3 1/2 months. The range of weight loss was from 9 to 54 pounds, and the range of time was from about one and a half months to six months." Alfred Pennington: The DuPont Company Study.

Sunshine

Good Morning

2011-12-27T09:15:00.001-05:00

Having a good morning so far. I'm up and around and have had my morning meds along with my first dose of calcium citrate. I have also had two bottles of water, including a little caffeine. I feel alert and awake and not carb sleepy as I usually do in the morning. I have no doubt that the carb cravings will be back later today and for the next few days but for right now, I feel good and not at all hungry.

The plan for today is much the same as yesterday. I will eat only what I have planned for and that will include very few carbs and consist of mostly protein. The book I'm reading, "Living Low Carb" is getting very interesting. It seems that years ago, there were studies done involving people who were placed on high meat and fat food plans. These people lost weight and were very healthy. I just getting into the specifics but I am intrigued and am thinking of following a similar plan. I am already low carbing but I may do the high protein and animal fat approach as well. I'll post more about that as I go through the book.

Exercise will be a little different today. Instead of walking I'm going to be weight training and core strengthening. I will alternate these and do something 6 days a week. Saturday will be my off day.

Anyway, that is about it for now. I will post more about the book as I get through it. It makes a lot of sense to me. Off to get some chores done now.

Sunshine

A Successful Day

2011-12-26T19:22:00.000-05:00

Things went well today. I stuck to my food plan and stayed within my limits. I am low carbing and only just now tonight am I getting any cravings. I'm going to mix a bottle of water and see if that will help with the burning hunger. I just had a salmon fillet for dinner and it only had a little cajun seasoning on it. It shouldn't cause cravings. I also got in my walking mile. It was rough as I am out of shape but Dail and I walked around Walmart and then also walked around the neighborhood. It was a fairly good work out. I also read some more in the Living Low Carb book. I'm hooked now and will spend some more time on it later tonight.

Anyway, that is my update. I just hope that I can have a whole strong of days just like this one.

Sunshine

Progressing

2011-12-26T13:06:00.000-05:00

The day is still going well. I'm on track with my food. I made a plan and so far I have stuck to it. I had some Chobani Peach Greek Yogurt for breakfast and for a snack have had a BSN Lean Dessert Fresh Cinnamon Roll Protein shake made with vanilla almond milk. So far, there have been no cravings. I have had 5 bottles of water and things are moving along quite nicely. We are about to go out shopping so I will get at least a mile of walking in. I hope that by the end of the day, I can say that I succeeded in my goals for the day. I also have read the introduction and most of the first chapter of "Living Low Carb" the revised edition by Jonny Bowden PhD. I am impressed so far and am looking forward to getting into the real meat of the book. It is very user friendly and I recommend it to anyone who wants to know more about low carb dieting or eating. I am just getting into some of the history of low carbing but it is fascinating. More on that later.

I will update at the end of the day whether I succeed or fail at sticking to the plan. Right now I'm a little hyped on caffeine so I'm going to stop.

Sunshine

Me Day

2011-12-26T09:50:00.000-05:00

Doing something a little different today. I'm completely focusing on myself and my health. I intend to start a pattern of behavior and then be ruthless with myself to stick to the plan. So far today, I have awoke and am reading blogs. I have taken my morning medications and my first dose of calcium citrate. I have been lax with my supplements but it all ends here. Today, I am going to put my best effort into doing everything I should be doing every day. I haven't had anything to eat yet but I have had two bottles of water. One of the bottles was caffeine laced. I'm slowly waking up. I have taken my psych meds plus my Probiotic and my Estroven. If things go as planned today, I will stay under 1200 calories for the day and I will get in a mile of walking around the neighborhood or on the treadmill. There is no reason why I can't do this. If I can manage to get all my meds and supplements in today and everyday for the next two weeks, then I should be able to continue for as long as it takes to get back to where I want to be. My weight today is 169. Not a good starting place. I have gained weight over the holiday but it is what it is. I'll update this blog as I go through the day and hope and pray that I am successful in having a good day. Dail is off today from work and he is going to help me see this through.

Wish me well. There is a lot to remember. I'm also going to start on one of my books for the challenge. I will give a review later.

Sunshine

Enjoying The Day

2011-12-25T12:28:00.000-05:00

All is peaceful at the Ogle house today. The frantic gift opening is done and the kids have gone on to other relatives. Dail is napping but I am not too sleepy so I am watching television. I watched Muppet Christmas Carol and loved it but I think I have seen every Christmas movie there is at least twice this year so now I am watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Dail seems to be managing to sleep through it. It has been a blessed day. So many things to be thankful for. Everyone was pleased with their presents and no one was disappointed in what they got. I will have some work to do on Tuesday when the cable company opens again. There are two new high definition televisions that will need new cable boxes installed and the remotes set. Finally, I think we have taken care of the problem of who gets to watch the big television in the den. Kailee and Nick will each have a wide screen in their rooms. The lack of fighting will be a nice change. Nick can leave his Wii and other games systems in the den so that all of them can play and I will be able to use my exercise DVDs in the den as well. Which reminds me, it is time to get my act together. I will be using the challenge to kick off my new start on a journey to better health but I will be starting tomorrow instead of waiting until New Year's Eve.I will wait to post my stats until then but I will be trying to make better food choices starting tomorrow. Dail and Nick and I will also be going hiking tomorrow. We will try to stick to the back roads so as to avoid the shopping traffic. I'm sure that will be horrible tomorrow. Thankfully, we don't have anything we need to return so we can avoid the whole mess.

Weight is holding steady. I haven't gain but rather have lost a couple. Of course, I didn't weight in today so I might have gained some overnight. We did have some cheeses and some beef summer sausage last night. It was kind of just snacky food for dinner. I will weight in tomorrow and will blog it here along with whatever photos we take on the hike. Sometime today, I'm going to load my pack so I can carry it with me and get used to it on the trail. I will be carrying about 25 to 30 pounds, I think. I will weigh with the pack and without the pack and see how much weight the pack adds. We will have to carry water this time as the trail doesn't run by a stream. Otherwise we could use our water filter. We will have to make a stop to get drink mix sometime tomorrow. I'm almost out. The filtered water is very palatable but I don't like plain water that much. I prefer to use the Crystal Light or Walmart brand water mixes. Hopefully, we can manage a 3 mile hike with full packs. We are going on a less crowded trail and shouldn't run into many people so we can walk at our own pace and take our time so I will be able to push myself a little bit. Hopefully, we will be able to start early in the morning and have all day to make it to our destination. Not sure where that is yet but I will blog about it tomorrow. We are thinking about a cemetery that is located just off the Sugarlands trail. More tomorrow.

I guess I will stop now. I hope to see some of you blogging later. I hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

Sunshine

Having A Wonderful Christmas

2011-12-25T10:43:00.000-05:00

The kids were here early and we opened our gifts. There was more than I expected and we all had plenty of gifts and joy to share with each other. Nicholas and Kailee each got their wide flat screen televisions sets. This is what they asked for and though it strained our budget a bit it was worth it to see the excitement on their faces. Dail loved his gifts and I was able to surprise him with a few thing. I got more than my share of gifts. There were things I got that I forgot about having under the tree. There was base wear, socks, waterproof gloves, and a toboggan for hiking. I also got the Women's Kelty Backpack in blue that I love. We got sleeping pads and other odds and ends for camping and hiking. Dail got a backpack too but I gave it to him early so he has been using it for a while. It is a very nice Sierra pack. Dail and Nick also got socks, and base wear plus Nick got his own tent so that he can have some privacy when we go out together. Out tent is big enough for 3 people but it is a tight fit and he Nick prefers to have his own space. We also got some water proof matches from Bethany. I got several outfits. Two for the challenge and two to wear now. A pair of jeans and a pair of slacks and two sweaters. Dail also got me a very nice handbag to go with my new outfits. It is black and came with its own attached umbrella. That was my surprise gift from Dail. There is also a scarf and gloves to match my dress coat and boots and handbag. It was a very good Christmas. I am very blessed. It was a good morning and now I am tired and sleepy again. I have a ham dinner to prepare tonight. Bethany and Brandon will be back later for dinner.

I am going to start of one of my two challenge books later today. Those were under the tree too. I will get a head start on the challenge beginning tomorrow. I can't let the week go by with me so out of control with my food. Gotta get it together.

I hope all of you are having a wonderful Christmas day.

Sunshine

Happy Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T16:46:00.000-05:00

Dail left work a little early today and is now on his way home. I managed to get through the day without an emotional meltdown. Dail stopped by Kroger and he is bringing cheeses and summer sausage and Breton Crackers for us to nibble on for dinner. He also picked up some ham and some croissants to make sandwiches from. We will just be snacking a little tonight and that will be all. Tomorrow evening I will bake a ham, make some mashed potatoes, and a green bean casserole. No pies or desserts. Simple and easy and lower carb. Just what the doctor ordered.

I am looking forward to seeing the kids open their gifts. I was unable to surprise all of them as they accepted delivery on some of the items when I was out but we got them what they asked for so they will be happy. I think they each have one thing under there they don't know about so that will be one surprise for each of them. My sweet husband, ran out after my tantrum and bought me something that I don't know about so even I will have a surprise under the tree. Next year, I will handle Christmas differently. We are starting a Christmas club fund after the first and will put money aside each week just for Christmas. By next year, we will have enough to do whatever we need to do about gifts. We are also going to plan a new budget and I am going to make myself stick with it. I have got to get my head and my act together. Things have been flying out of control for too long now. It is time to put some real effort into my life and focus on the things that are important.

I hope all of you are home safely with your families and that you are spending the holidays with loved ones.

Sunshine

Brighter Day

2011-12-24T08:50:00.000-05:00

I'm still a little drained from the emotional roller coaster I was on yesterday but in general, I feel better today. I feel more in control and my mind feels peaceful. I took some Thorazine early this morning and it has me chilled out and feeling better. I'm watching Scrooged on television and it is an unusual version of A Christmas Carol with Bill Murray. He makes a good villain. He is excessively mean and it reminds me of how I acted yesterday. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I will have a tremendous Christmas in spite of the emotional issues. I'm getting almost all the things I asked for and Dail did manage to put a couple of surprises under the tree. I feel petty though for having such a tantrum about it. I know that Dail was very upset with me about it. Now that it is over, I can see how I acted and it embarrasses me. Dail has forgiven me and hopefully he won't hold it against me. Christmas will be over after tomorrow and then we can get back to some healthy activity. Because Christmas falls on Sunday, Dail will be off on Monday instead and we are planning a hiking trip if the weather holds. It is supposed to be nice that day. I am hoping we can go on one of the more popular trails since Monday will be a slow day, probably. We might try Laurel Falls again or we might try the Sugarlands Trail. Whatever Dail wants. I'm going to pack my pack with the things I will need to carry for the camping trip so that I can get used to the weight. I will hopefully not forget the camera this time and will be able to show off our new equipment. We need to do some serious training to get ready for the camping trip. I am out of shape. We will also be able to do some fishing in a couple of months. The fishing season runs from Feb to Feb so it won't pay us to get a license for fishing until Feb. Then we can do some fly fishing and also some regular fishing. Dail and I both got fly rods for Christmas and I think Nick got me a regular fishing rod for the lake. At least, that is what it looks like. The other night, Nick and Dail were texting me photos of pink fishing rods and reels. Judging by the package, they got me one of the ones they sent me. I know most women would hate getting camping and fishing equipment for Christmas but these are activities that Dail and Nick and I can do together. It will be priceless. All these activities are also designed to get me out of the house into the real world. I really need that and so does Dail.

I've rambled on enough. I'm feeling good about Christmas Eve but I regret my words and actions from yesterday. Hopefully, I can continue to remember how blessed I am to have my family around me.

Merry Christmas.

Sunshine

Bitter Day

2011-12-23T23:03:00.000-05:00

I have behaved badly all day. I griped and fussed and complained about my lack of surprise gifts under the tree. This disorder has made me like a spoiled child and I am ashamed of myself. I wish I could take the whole day back and do it over. I made Dail feel bad not to mention Nick and Kailee with all my sobbing and mood swings. I hope tomorrow will be a better day and I will be able to maintain some control over my emotions. I hate having Schizoaffective Disorder and I hate how it makes me behave sometimes. I would give anything to be a normal person will normal feelings and moods. My family shouldn't have to put up with this kind of thing. I can't blame it all on my disorder. I'm feeling very selfish and angry lately. I try to drown out my feelings with meds and food but nothing can ease my troubled mind. I'm at the end of my rope with this. I don't know what to do or how to cope or where to turn for help. My mind is in pieces these days. I can only hope that some relief will find me soon. I'm going to take my meds and call it a night now. Everyone else is already asleep and I am lonely here in the quiet of my room.

Sunshine

Sunshine's Heart

E2E Challenge Week 4 Update

Waiting and Hoping

Frickin Freezing Here Today

Harrowing Morning

Twin Peaks and Headaches

Finally Calming Down

Hoping For A Better Day

E2E Challenge Midweek 4 Post

Spaghetti and Meatballs and Bad Words

The Cure For Depession

Rediscovering An Old Classic

Loved The Movie

E2E Challenge Week 3 Update

More Movies

Movie Night

Fact vs Fiction: Losing The Weight

Good Morning. It's A Brand New Day...

I Was BAAAAAD Today

Supporting A Free Internet

New Day Dawning

Finally Saw Dr. G

E2E Challenge Midweek 3 Post

Dinner and a Movie

On Track and Working On Moving More

Carb Cravings To The MAX

Cold and Bored

Just Waking Up This Morning

Just Because I Feel Like Posting

Regular Flu or Induction Flu?

E2E Challenge Week 2 Update

Confessions On A Friday Night

Feeling Down But Trying To Stay Positive

New Day

Snow and Scary Movies

Change In Plans

Complications... DAMMIT!!!

Watching For UPS

Blogging Again For Today

Had A Long Nap

New Morning

Home From Dinner

E2E Challenge Midweek 2 Post

Sigh. More Issues

Up Late Last Night

Piece Of Childhood Refound

Early

Tagged!!!! TWICE!!!!

Too Much Time Alone

Sundays Are Made For Contemplation

Slept In This Morning

Nice Evening

Anxious This Evening

Eve 2 Easter Challenge Week 2 Check In

Preparing For Tomorrow

Too Much All At Once

BYOC Holiday Version

Getting Ready For Bed

Changes

A Little Anxious Today

10 Things Thursday: For Laura and For Myself

It's Dark Out

My New Scale

Good Dinner!

Eve 2 Easter Challenge Midweek Update #1

Pretty, White, Fluffy Stuff

Satiated But Psychologically STARVING

Dinner Is Started

Flying Blind

A Rant For The New Year

More Questions For Anne

Happy New Year!!!!

Celebrating The Eve

E2E Challenge Initial Post With Goals and Stats

It's GONE :(

Rest In Peace Little Scale (Or Battery)

The Plan For Tomorrow Night

Back In The Losing Game

Bethany Is Back

10 Things Thursday- In Honor of Laura Belle