Spaghetti and Meatballs and Bad Words

Today has been an interesting day. Bethany and Brandon and the kids came over for dinner. Before that I had a visit with my therapist, Kristin. Bethany drove me out to my appointment. I almost forgot all about it. I really didn't feel up to going. I didn't want to leave the house and my comfort zone but Bethany knew about the appointment and she urged me to get ready and go. It wasn't easy. I had to wait for a while for Kristin to be ready for me and I was very anxious. The waiting room was full and I felt very claustrophobic. Anyway, Kristin and I talked about a lot of things that have been going on here. There was some laughter and a few tears as well. I hadn't seen her since November. I learned a few things about what has been eating me and why I have been in turn eating my rage food without thought to the consequences. I seem to be in a highly advanced state of fucking pissed off ANGER over something and it is killing me. I believe I know what it is. Nothing hurts me or makes me angrier than having old wounds ripped wide open. I am not going to go into detail here. All I can say is that I am hurt and that the people who hurt me will never understand what it feels like to live with Schizoaffective Disorder.

Maybe I will be able to talk more about this tomorrow. I am still working all of it out in my head. In the mean time, we are watching Live Free or Die Hard so I can see bad people get the hell beat out of them. I'm tired of turning the other cheek. I'm tired of having my face slapped. I'd like to see a little Karma working around here.

Sunshine