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Well, I didn't get off to a stellar start. Everything has pretty much stayed the same since Saturday. Measurements and weight are the same. I haven't done much reading in the health or diet-related areas but I have been reading some fiction and non-fiction. Right now, I'm reading a biography of Andy Kaufman. I have always been a big fan of his bizarre sense of humor. I guess I identify with his proclivity for making people uncomfortable. Of course, his was intentional and mine wasn't. Mental illness makes people uncomfortable and that isn't restricted only to strangers. People who know you well, even family members, can be uncomfortable and prefer to live in denial of the disease rather than to understand and support the person. Two people in my life feel that my illness is just an excuse I use to get out of doing things like housework and socializing. They prefer to believe that I am faking than to have to admit that someone in their family has an embarrassing mental illness. My mother, and my daughter, Kailee feel that I just don't want to be normal. They have no idea of the pain they cause me when they get together to trash-talk me because of my limitations. All my life, the word "lazy" has been thrown in my face by my mother. She doesn't see the connection between her abuse and my illness and my giving up on trying to win her approval. All these things have melded together to put me into the state I'm in now with the anger and anxiety and depression. I was taught that it was wrong to be angry so I never found an outlet to put it out of myself. It eats me up. I just want to scream or beat the hell out of someone but then I would just feel worse. Kristin and I will be talking more about this in therapy and maybe we can find a way that I can safely vent. For right now, I don't want to see mom or Kailee. I may never want to see my mother again. She has been nothing but poison in my life and now she is spreading that onto my daughter.
I know this isn't a happy little update but it is what I need to blog about. I hope I can maybe write these feelings out and be better by Saturday.
Food is on track for today and I'm working on getting my water in.
"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon
Sunshine
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Holding ON is better than gaining. The same is better than worse. But we can do better. AND WE WILL! We will shine...every day, let's grab it.
ReplyDeleteI never found Kaufman funny. My hubby and some friends did, but I just didn't. I was a teen when SNL began in the 70s, and I never much liked Chevy Chase...but cracked up at some of the others (especially Radner, Curtain, Belushi, Murray from the early team). Humor is a strnge thing--what's hilarious to some just leaves other scratching their heads in puzzlements. ; )
Be well today...and get your fire up!
Some of what Andy did was offensive to some and that was just as he intended it to be. He always wanted to keep the audience off balance and guessing what his next stunt would be. He hated the comedian label that he got. No one knew what else to call him though. He wanted to be known as just an artist. I loved his Elvis impersonation. That bit was my favorite of his routine. If you haven't yet, see Man On The Moon. It gives a glimpse into the real Andy and makes him a little more understandable.
ReplyDeleteI'm hanging in there Princess but I'm down and sad and I'm wishing that Dail could come home. Tonight we will have the Twin Peaks series DVDs to start watching, assuming they get here as they are supposed to.
I think you should exercise. It´s a great outlet for your pent up emotions. Try a long walk or maybe even jog. YOu will feel great afterward!
ReplyDeletesounds like a rough day. I think Andy was pretty dang funny. I like that his humor challenges people and he's not waiting for applause or laughter... he keeps moving forward.
ReplyDeleteYour family snippet really got my thinking. I'm not sure if I've judged someone with a mental illness or talked about them... at least, knowingly. I'm really intrigued by how and what functions are impaired by these chemical imbalances or conditioning in some cases. Thanks for sharing that candid moment.
I agree with Betty. Get MORE exercise Karen. It is the best outlet ever. Even better...try KICKBOXING. I have recently started this and of anything I've tried, it is hands down the BEST anger buster and stress reliever. To get the beat the living daylights out of something punching and kicking for an hour..woweeee..nothing like it. I know it's hard to get yourself to do it when you're feeling down (just blogged a little bit about this) but you CAN do it....mental illness or not. You ARE strong and you CAN do it. If you can lose all the weight that you have, and can be so mindful about your condition (which I really admire about you), then I know you can.
ReplyDeleteGo Karen Go!!!
Betty said it Karen. Get on your treadmill and walk off some of your fustration. Your mama and daughter aren't either thinking or trying to understand. It's sad they are making you feel like that.
ReplyDeleteI hope Dail got home early and you were able to just relax together.
Take care Karen. Blessings!!
Mom just tell them to go hide back under there rock and leave you alone, that is what I did and I do not regret it for a moment. We will get back on the treadmill as soon as I stop hurting. Tomorrow would be a good day I think. I still think you should find a marshal arts class or a boxing class to let out your anger. We could always dress the punching bag to look like your mom.LOL.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Betty. I think exercising would be goo for me. It would wear me out and release some pent up emotions. I love hiking but the weather isn't permitting it right now.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nanette. Andy was a pretty great guy even though he had some serious flaws. We all have flaws and I think he got a bad rap most of the time.
ReplyDeleteI have been ill since I was a child and even back then asked for help but my parents wouldn't allow it. Back then you needed parental permission to see a therapist. I didn't get help until I was 18 and had attempted suicide.
Julie, Kickboxing sounds interesting. That is something that I might try if I get to the place where I can take some lessons. Money is tight right now so I will have to look around for something I can manage. It sounds like a great way to release anger and many create some endorphins.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Julie. Dail got home and we made dinner and just relaxed. We were a little disappointed that our Twin Peaks series didn't arrive as it was supposed to but we watched television and surfed the net together until it was time to go to bed. It was a quiet and relaxing evening.
ReplyDeleteLOL, Beth. You know her as well as I do. she always stays in the middle of things and can't stand being left out of my life. I just wish Kailee wasn't so vulnerable to her manipulations. It hurts me that they take such pleasure in trashing me.
ReplyDelete