Trying To Accept

Last night was a very rough night. Dail and I had words and he walked out and left me again. I just coudln't handle more loss, grief or rejection and so I resorted to an old habit that I used to have when confronted with emotions I cant handle. I cut. I've mentioned before on this blog that I used to be a cutter. It hadn't happened in years until there was a minor incident right before surgery when I suspected Dail was cheating online. Turned out now that I was right but of course, my actions did nothing but make me feel worse. It has been a rough morning, facing up to my failure to be strong and avoid the self-destructive behavior I used to resort to whenever I couldn't handle things.It is the act of a person without strong faith to trust God when things get this desperate. I do have faith and I know that He will eventually either bring Dail home or help me to recover and move on. I'm just so impatient and the horrible depressed and anxious days I'm having are taking their toll on me. Last night was a reality check. Dail and I will be seeing my therapist today. I hope she won't put me in the hospital now and will let me try for a while longer but I know she will require constant supervision for me. Bethany has offered to stay with me as much as she can, but this weekend she will be going out of town for a funeral. I hope I can manage alone. Nicholas will be going with her. I'm sure Kailee will go back home before then. Anyway, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

For tonight, I will be okay. Dail stayed with me last night and he will be staying tonight as well. Tonight is dinner and grocery shopping. I kind of dread it. I still feel like going home and getting in bed and hiding under the covers until the whole thing is over. If you don't hear from me for a while, you will know I was forced to go inpatient. I'm hoping not. I'm not really suicidal. Cutting isn't really a suicide attempt. People who have never been self-injurers don't understand but cutting on the outside causes pain that you can see and others can see, whereas pain on the inside is harder to see and cope with. Physical pain can cause some release of emotions the mind and spirit just can't cope with. I have been praying daily and reading the bible looking for answers, but as Charles Stanley wrote in the book I've been reading, sometimes when we are in a trial and need God the most, He is completely silent. He advises us to wait on the Lord no matter how long it takes and to trust and pray. Waiting has never been my strong point. My heart desires this to be resolved now so that my suffering doesn't seem so endless and hopeless. I'm resolving to try harder to wait and be patient. I can't promise there wont be tears and anger and even tantrums from time to time, but I will try to do the best I can. There just seems to be no end in sight and that is so discouraging.

Sunshine