Down Once Again

I'm trying so hard to deal with the times Dail and I are separated. I think I will be okay until he actually leaves, and then I fall apart again. He left yesterday afternoon and I have been a complete wreck ever since. When he is away and calls, he sounds so different and distant, like he doesn't really want to talk to me. When he is here, he is almost the old Dail I know and love. I go to God in prayer for comfort when I'm alone but still, I don't always feel his presence. I find myself wishing to be drugged out of my mind until it is time for Dail to come again for a visit. When he comes and enjoys his stay, I get my hopes up but when he is away, he sounds cold and distant and disinterested. I'm so confused. I try to stay in prayer but I'm so anxious and panicky that it is hard to maintain any kind of coherent conversation with anyone, including God. I need some outside prayers. If anyone reading has time, please remember me.

The SSI paperwork came today. I had to describe my condition and relate my daily activities and limitations. It wasn't easy in my state of mind but they need them back as soon as possible so I just did the best I could. I was really hoping Dail would come home and I could drop the whole thing. Such a messed up day to go with my messed up head.

One good thing. I've reached my 6 month goal a few weeks early. Today I was at 230 pounds. It should be a good day because of this but I find it difficult to care really. Dail isn't here to share it with me. I'm afraid I'm not good for anything today but weeping and staring at the wall. Bethany is here but my anxiety is still severe and I don't feel much better. Just wanting the day to be over so I can sleep and be out of pain.

Sunshine