Another Very Rough Day

I've been on this emotional roller coaster for weeks now and there is no end in sight. I woke up this morning in a panic and crying uncontrollably. Once again, last night, I opened my heart to Dail and was encourged by his willingness to pray about it and his affectionate response to my pain. My bubble of hope was burst however, when he called a little while later and was the same cold, distant Dail I've been seeing these last few weeks. It belied all the things he told me when he was here. I have to wonder if in my presence, when he sees my pain, he feels the need to placate me to assuage his guilt and then when he is away he has no problem crushing me again. When he left my house last night, he left me with the impression that he intends to TRY to work this out with God and come home. When he called later, he was spouting the same old stuff about not knowing how much time it will take but thinking he will need a lot more time to make a decision. I wrote a heart-felt email today explaining my confusion about all this and expressing my anxiety and lack of hope after his call. It was a miserable night and now it is a miserable day. How long can I keep this up? Putting my life on hold while I wait endlessly for him to make up his mind? I believe he is happy playing bachelor and I'm so so tired of being dangled on a string and given just enough encouragement to keep me interested in trying to work things out. When I called him on this behavior today he accused me of using my emotions to manipulate him into coming home. Seeing my pain makes him feel guilty but does that mean I'm supposed to repress all that and pretend everything is okay with me when it isn't? He threatened me today with backing off on telling him how I feel or he will be forced to make a decision that I won't like. I don't have the endurance to be strung along like this for weeks and months on end while he is playing bachelor at the condo. If he can reconcile it with God, maybe he should go ahead and get a divorce. Then maybe I will have some resolution. It will be easier to accept that it is over and to get some help to move on than to be continually dangled on a string for his amusement and have my emotions toyed with constantly. I am feeling very used and feeling that I should stop these visits of his. I want to see him, but when he comes and then leaves, I'm devastated all over again. I appreciate you, Diane for having faith in my strength but I don't feel strong at the moment. I feel weak and helpless to change things. God seems to be absent and silent right now, letting me flounder on my own. Even if I knew for sure Dail would come back in 6 months or so, I don't think I can stand the pressure of having it all up in the air like that. I have no peace, no security, and at the moment, no hope. I don't know what else to do but to cut this off now before I'm completely destroyed. I have no more patience with him indulging himself by avoiding his responsibilities. We need him and he doesn't care. He knows all he has to do is take a step of faith and come home and God will handle the rest. He refuses because he is having too much fun reliving his childhood and fantasizing about skinny little chics who will bow to his every whim. My anger and frustration is coming back and that may be what it takes to help me walk away and reclaim some kind of life without all this pain.

Sunshine