I Appreciate The Support

Thank you, Diane and also whoever is posting anonymously. I talked to Dail last night in person and I asked him straight out if he had cheated on me. He has never been able to look me in the face and lie. He hasn't cheated physically, but he has cheated in his heart by cyber sex with one of those skinny little sluts on Second Life. He said it made him feel horrible and he hasn't done it again. That doesn't make the knowledge hurt me any less. I didn't cry in front of him, I've already given him too much power to hurt me, but I did remind him of these verses:

"You have heard it said to those of old, You shall not commit adultery, but I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery in his heart."

Matthew 5:27-28

Of course, this made him angry as did much of what I had to say. It all ended the same as usual. He wants more time to work things through. Meanwhile, the burden of everything here has fallen on me. I'm not a strong person. I never have been. My depression and anxiety are almost paralyzing at this point. The fact that he doesn't seem to care shows me that he isn't the same person I married. I vehemently believe that God can restore him to faith and to love in our marriage but I believe God won't be able to accomplish this as long as Dail is disobedient. He was wrong to walk out and run away for selfish reasons. No matter how he justifies it, God sees it and will give him no rest or peace until he brings this all before the throne. My feeling is that he is avoiding doing that because he already knows what God wants him to do and he doesn't want to hear it. Pure disobedience. My fear is that I know God only gives people so many chances, and then he turns them over to their lust and selfishness. Dail doesn't realize he is throwing away everything that was once so important to him for a fantasy that will probably never be realized. He can never find real peace or happiness as long as he is living contrary to God's will and commands. The really unforgiveable part is that he is forcing me to go on government aid, because he wants more money for himself. I believe by forcing me to do this he is causing me to sin also. He can more than support us but not if he wants to live selfishly and alone. Still, to keep the house, as long as he is hiding from the responsibility, I have no choice. I can not tell you the humiliation it costs me to apply for SSI again. I legitimately am disabled but it feels so wrong when Dail could simply step up to the plate and support us if he would only do the right thing. He doesn't seem very interested in the right thing anymore. He intends to stay away until he knows what he wants. I think he already knows what he wants but it doesn't jibe with what God wants.

So, Dail is taking his time, trying to find a loophole in God's Word, so he can get out with a clear conscience. I told him last night that each day away from him is breaking a piece of me away and eventually there will be nothing but pieces left that cant be fixed. He seems willing to take the risk. This wall between us now, even though it is for my protection, also makes me unable to show him the affection and love I once did. I just can't risk getting close to him until I feel I can trust him again. My heart is too fragile. It will take someone worthy and very special to make me feel free to open my heart that way again. Dail is the last person I ever thought would do this to me. He simply isn't the Christian man I married anymore. And you are right, Diane. There is nothing more I can do to help. I will just have to protect myself and pray.

Sunshine